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(early/mid-2006, I think)
I was on the subway, and I felt a pang of some kind. Not a pang of loneliness, but something similar. I couldn’t place it.
The subway was fairly crowded. There was a girl standing nearby, holding onto the pole that I was next to.
I looked at her, searching for my feelings. I didn’t feel like I was attracted to her as such, and yet I was. I looked at her face, searching with my logic to understand my feelings.
She was young, which is attractive in itself and yet that wasn’t what caught my attention. I wouldn’t say she was unattractive, but I caught myself not wanting to think that thought. I looked at her longer, to search for her qualities, so that I wouldn’t think her unattractive or so I could justify my interest.
I never do like the idea of summing up a person, let alone a woman. It’s distasteful even if done privately in my own thoughts. I remember wanting to think highly of her.
She had a friend near her, but there was something almost tangible separating them. I was considering this when I realised that I was holding back tears. I didn’t try to logic them away, I just continued politely observing.
I could see in her eyes that she was holding back her own tears, and it became even more visible when her friend delicately touched the hand which was over tightly-gripping the pole. I felt the caring connection, and I distinctly remember feeling that the two girls might be in a failing relationship of some kind. I’m not sure why I felt that, but my logic wasn’t available to me in these moments.
The last thing I remember is trying to compose myself.
