2018-01-13 -- This still applies.
I tear my heart open.
I sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much.
And my scars remind me
that the past is real.
I tear my heart open
just to feel.
-- Papa Roach, Scars
Some comments on a few overriding principles of my personality.
I need my space. I will do whatever it takes to get it.
If you let me go, I will fly away, regardless of my feelings. You let me go, it's what you wanted and I'm doing as you wish. Bye.
If I am given two choices I will pick neither or make a third, even if it hurts me.
If I am pushed into a corner I will lash out, regardless of how I feel. Regardless of history. Regardless of morality.
I'm complex enough for me. I don't need any more crap. I'd rather be poor and contemplative than rich and overworked. I'd rather be alone than play guessing games.
I don't care if the world needs people like me. You're all damned and I disown responsibility for you. My influence is useful enough for those that pay attention.
I believe in fatefulness. I will work for things, but I won't struggle for them.
I don't believe in coincidence, everything has a spirit.. every idea and every event.
I take everything personally and fatefully. Everything. This doesn't mean that I get hurt by things, but it means that I see everything and fitting somewhere somehow.
I'm Aware even in my haze. I see things fitting together in ways apparently not seen by others. I might not even notice now, but I will often later understand with a sort of eerie completeness.