Comedy, English >

Funny Signs ∞

(source unknown)

• Over a gynecologist’s office

  • Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

• On a plumber’s truck

  • We repair what your husband fixed.

• On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania

  • Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

• Pizza shop slogan

  • 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

• Outside a muffler shop

  • No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

• In a veterinarian’s waiting room

  • Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

• Door of a plastic surgeon’s office

  • We can help you pick your nose!

• On an electrician’s truck

  • Let us remove your shorts.

• In a non-smoking area

  • If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

• On a maternity room door

  • Push. Push. Push.

• At an optometrist’s office

  • If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

• In the front yard of a funeral home

  • Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

Traveller’s Tales ∞

(source unknown) At least as old as 15-Jan-1992 16:38

• In a Bucharest hotel lobby

  • The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

• In a Leipzig elevator

  • Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

• In a Belgrade hotel elevator

  • To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

• In a Paris hotel elevator

  • Please leave your values at the front desk.

• In a hotel in Athens

  • Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

• In a Yugoslavian hotel

  • The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

• In a Japanese hotel

  • You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a russian orthodox monastery

  • You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

  • Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

• On the menu of a Polish hotel

  • Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

• In a Hongkong supermarket

  • For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

• In a Bankok dry cleaner’s

  • Drop your trousers here for best results.

• Outside a Paris dress shop

  • Dresses for street walking.

• Outside a Hongkong dress shop

  • Ladies have fits upstairs.

• In a Rhodes tailor shop

  • Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

• From the Soviet Weekly

  • There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

• In an East African newsletter

  • A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

• In a Vienna hotel

  • In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

• A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest

  • It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each other for this purpose.

• In a Zurich hotel

  • Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by used for this purpose.

• In an advertisement by a Hongkong dentist

  • Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

• A translated sentence from a Russian chess book

  • A lot of water had been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

• In a Rome laundromat

  • Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

  • Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

  • Would you like to ride on your own ass?

• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom

  • To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

• In the window of a Swedish furrier

  • Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

• On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong

  • Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan

  • Stop. Drive sideways.

• In a Swiss mountain inn

  • Special Today – no ice cream.

• In a Bankok temple

  • It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man.

• In a Tokyo bar

  • Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

  • We take your bags and send them in all directions.

• On the door of a Moscor hotel room

  • If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge

  • Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

• At a Budapest zoo

  • Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

• In the office of a Roman doctor

  • Specialist in women and other diseases.

• In an Acapulco hotel

  • The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

• In a Tokyo shop

  • Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner

  • Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

• From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

  • When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

• Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance

  • English well talking
  • Here speeching American.