Microsoft + Windows / Comedy > The Microsoft Information Package

Information gathered, edited, and some written by Blacky of Rendered Reality

September 16, 1996

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Random ∞

Bill Gates and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night.
The woman says: “Finally, I found out, why you called your company
“MicroSoft”

Golden Rules of Bill Gates:

1. It doesn’t have to the best, just the prettiest.

2. If you have a huge following, treat them like lemmings and they will act like lemmings.

Q: What is Bill’s favourite game?

A: Monopoly

Jokes ∞

• Windows: Just another pain in the glass
• Double your drive-space: delete Windows!
• Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
• Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT…
• Windows: The Gates of hell
• Windows – The colorful clown suit for DOS
• Windows’96 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
• MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
• Windows: XT emulator for an AT
• Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
• OS/2 VirusScan — “Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]”
• Windows’95: New look, same multicrashing
• Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something
• Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house…
• MicroSoft’s marketing: “Windows is SEMI-shareware”
• Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
• Time on your hands? Get Windows!
• “Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate”
• Microsoft Windows … a virus with mouse support
• Microsoft gives you Windows … OS/2 gives you the whole house
• Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
• Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
• A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
• Are you using Windows or is that just an XT?
• Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
• Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!
• Breaking Windows isn’t just for kids anymore…
• Bugs come in through open Windows
• Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
• DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 – A turtle and its shell
• DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
• Data to Picard: “No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS!”
• Despite my car having windows, it still isn’t mouse driven!
• Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail
• Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
• Error 005: Windows loading – come back tomorrow
• Exhibitionists love Windows
• Father, forgive me, I’ve been caught using Windows …
• Have you crashed your Windows today?
• I can’t wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
• I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
• I’ll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I’m trying…
• If I wanted Windows, I’d live in a greenhouse!
• If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual?
• If Windows sucked it would be good for something
• Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile!
• My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
• New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
• New from McAfee: WinScan – Removes all Windows programs
• OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
• Out of disk space – Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
• Relax … you are entering a windows free zone
• Some windows were made to be broken
• Windows – so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
• Windows 3.1 – The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
• Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
• Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
• Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once

• Windows NT: Nice Try

Top 10 reasons why car’s arn’t made by microsoft… ∞

1. A particular model year wouldn’t be available until after that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you’d have to restart it, and, for some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car ’95 or a car NT, but then you’d have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, it’s that way NOW!
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and temperature warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.
8. People would get excited about the “new” features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas ™.

10. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio (probably an A.M. radio at that) in all its models.

Top 10 things people think the 95 in windows 95 really stands for.. ∞

1. The number of floppies it will ship on.
2. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
3. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required
4. The number of pages in the “EASY INSTALL” version of the manual.
5. The percentage of existing programs that won’t run in the new OS
6. The number of minutes to install
7. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
8. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
9. MHz required for the OS to run.

10. The year it was DUE to ship.

Undocumented Error Codes ∞

The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which
somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation. Gee… Read
’em.. I wonder how come they arn’t in there.. eh?

• 001: Windows loaded – System in danger
• 002: No Error – Yet
• 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
• 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong
• 005: Multitasking attempted – System confused
• 006: Malicious error – Desqview found on drive
• 007: System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware
• 008: Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
• 009: Horrible bug encountered – God knows what has happened
• 00A: Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
• 00B: Inadequate disk space – Free at least 50MB
• 00C: Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!
• 00D: Window closed – Do not look outside
• 00E: Window open – Do not look inside
• 00F: Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
• 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
• 011: Window open – Do not look outside
• 012: Window closed – Do not look inside
• 013: Unexpected error – Huh ?
• 014: Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
• 018: Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
• 019: User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
• 01A: Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
• 01B: Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
• 01C: Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.
• 01D: System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
• 01E: Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
• 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
• 020: Error recording error codes – Additional errors will be lost.
• 042: Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
• 079: Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
• 103: Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
• 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
• 683: Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

• 815: Insufficient Memory – Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

What is our old friend bill doing with all his money anyways? ∞

So, you’d like to know where that $89 that you spent for Windows 95 went?
Situated along the majestic shore of Lake Washington, there it sits. A
40,000-square-foot waterfront home costing close to $50 million. Bill and
Melinda thank you. But since you’re paying for it, we thought it cordial
to allow you to visit every week or two…thus MorseMcFadden Communications,
sparing no expense or discomfort, will fight rain, blow and seasickness
every other week to bring you updated photos of your investment.

As long as you’re visiting the Puget Sound eastside, come see how Blakely
Tree Farms, Weyerhaeuser, and some members of the King County Council
(Chris Vance in particular) are attempting to destroy the last vestiges
of rural life. Stop the UPD’s

By the way, the projected date of completion is late 1996. It is built into
a bluff above the shore of Lake Washington not far from Microsoft’s Redmond
offices. The home will include a 12-foot-wide video wall in the reception
area constructed from a series of big-screen TV monitors which will be used
to display digitized artwork.

Also has an L-shaped swimming pool with music piped in underwater, a
20-vehicle garage and a large trampoline pit for Gates (who can jump over
an armchair from a standing start).

Mr. MicroSoft on the topic of Computers ∞

Statements made by Bill Gates in the last few years. Gleaned from several
magazine articles, speeches at shows and such. I guess he isn’t as visionary
as people like to think…

640K ought to be enough for anybody. — Bill Gates, 1981

Yeah right, then why does his new Windows version need at least 4MB of it?

If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good. — Bill Gates

Ok, even a blind horse can get it right once in a while.

I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possible program, of all time. — Bill Gates, 1987

OS/2 is destined to be a very important piece of software. During the next 10 years, millions of programmers and users will utilize this system. — Bill Gates, 1988

Well, for those of you not in the know. The OS/2 Bill is referring to is
IBM’s OS/2 WARP. A 32bit OS that’s been out a while already.

There is virtually no application OS/2 cannot run. — Bill Gates, 1989

As proven by the fact OS/2 can run most Windows 3.x programs. Whereas
Win’95 apparently can’t run OS/2 programs.

The goal for OS/2 is to be the universal operating system … there is virtually no application in the world that OS/2 cannot support Most users of high-end applications … want OS/2 – interview in “IBM Personal System Developer” (predecessor to “OS/2 Developer”), Winter 1990 issue.

Well, IBM should have bought MicroSoft’s Marketing department and this
would have become thruth. As shown by the Win’95 hype, these guys are able
to sell a fridge to an eskimo. Ok, the eskimo will return it after a few
days of course.

Various Bill Gates Quotes: ∞

These quotes come from various sources including Usenet postings.

Perhaps the Most Truthful:

on Microsoft marketing:

“There won’t be anything we won’t say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go.”

Not on his mind while developing Win9X…

circa 1981…

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”

From “OS/2 Programmer’s Guide” (forward by Bill Gates):

“I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs.”

From the back of an old Digitalk Smalltalk/V PM manual, 1990:

“This is the right way to develop applications for OS/2 PM. OS/2 PM is a tremendously rich environment, which makes it inherently complex. Smalltalk/V PM removes that complexity and lets you concentrate on writing great programs. Smalltalk/V PM is the kind of tool that will make OS/2 the successor to MS/DOS”.

From “OS/2 Notebook”, Microsoft Press, (c) 1990–an excerpt from an interview with Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino, p. 614:

Developer: Does the announcement [of the OS/2 joint development agreement between IBM and Microsoft] mean that Microsoft is curtailing any plans for future development of Windows?

Gates: Microsoft has not changed any of its plans for Windows. It is obvious that we will not include things like threads and preemptive multitasking in Windows. By the time we added that, you would have OS/2.

There’s a reason they threw it away…

from “Programmers at Work” by Microsoft Press, interview with Bill (found on comp.os.os2.advocacy),

Interviewer: Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?

Gates: No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system.

A yet unverified quote:

“If you don’t know what you need Windows NT for, you don’t need it.”

Recipe for Windows 95 ∞

Ingredients:

• 2 cups of Windows 3.11
• 1 cup of Windows for Workgroups 3.11
• 1 tbps of Microsoft Lan Man
• 1/2 cup Netware WINUP9.ZIP from ftp.novell.com
• 1 cup free Microsoft 32bit TCP/IP from their BBS
• 1 cup of MS-DOS
• 1 cup of OS/2 Warp
• 1/2 cup of 32-bit developers extensions to Windows

• 1 large mixing bowl
• 1 saucepan

• 1 oven set at 350

In saucepan on low, boil WFW311 until only networking items remain. Combine
MS 32bit TCP/IP, LanMan and Netware, stirring constantly to ensure an even
mix.

In large mixing bowl, place regular Win311. Massage until device driver
structure is totally unrecognizable, guarenteeing most current drivers
unrunnable. Replace with unknown and proprietary drivers, making sure to
only add support for the most popular hardware options.

Place the MS-DOS onto a cutting board. With a large meat cleaver, hack off
Doublespace, Backup, and half of the useful DOS commands. Place the remains
into the bowl, setting aside the hidden files MSDOS.SYS

Place OS/2 Warp on cutting board, hack off HPFS, Crash-proofing, pre-emptive
multitasking, and everything else useful, leaving something that resembles
the Workplace Shell in appearance. Place this into bowl.

With hidden boot files from MSDOS, CAREFULLY combine with 32-bit extensions.
Place into bowl.

With large wooden spoon, vigorously mix contents in bowl, permitting
computer rag reporters occasional glimpses into the mess.

Place contents into bread pan and bake at a low heat for a couple of years.
When a Microsoft application can be inserted and withdrawn without clumps
sticking, pronounce done. (It doesn’t matter if non-Microsoft apps stick or
not)

I almost forgot the last line of the Recipe!

Ram unpalatable mixture down the public’s throat!

You forgot to mention: Write on the package ‘All New Formula’

The Pope, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates ∞

God appeared in a dream to the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates.
He told them, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that I exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days.”

The Pope woke his staff and said, “I have some good news and some good
news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other
good news is that we’ll be going to heaven in 30 days.”

Bill Clinton woke his staff and said, “I have some good news and some bad
news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the
world will end in 30 days.”

Bill Gates woke his staff and said, “I have some good news and some great
news. The good news is that God thinks I’m an important guy. The great
news is that we won’t have to finish Win95.”

OFB = Our Friend Bill ∞

In the last few days, however, things changed dramatically. Last
Saturday a team of crack IQ-testers led by Alex Trebek were able to
get permission to test OFB for the first time ever. That information
was purely for scientific purposes and was never to have been released
to the public for fear of the horrific envy it might inspire. We on
a.f.b-g have been able to gain access to those results and can now
share them with you.

There are, as I’m sure you already know, only four questions in a D5
IQ survey. The questions and OFB’s answers from the abridged
transcipt are as follows:

Alex: “For $150, who’s the smartest guy at Microsoft?”

OFB: “Uh, me.”

Alex: “Correct. For $250, who’s the smartest guy in the U.S.?”

OFB: “Uh. me.”

Alex: “Correct. For $350, who’s the smartest guy on the planet?”

OFB: “Uh, still me Alex.”

Alex: ” Correct. Finally, for maximum points, who’s the smartest guy
ever?”

OFB: “Uh, that would be me Alex.”

Alex: “Correct! Now, for bonus points, what’s your favourite colour?”

OFB: “Uh, blue, no red. I don’t know how technical you are, but…No,
that’s stupid. What an incredibly stupid question! Alex you are just
too stupid! Stop wasting my time. God, why do I bother! ”

At this point OFB left the room in a hurry, undoubtedly he had another
important meeting.

We don’t have the full commentary on the D5 IQ test but we do have the
final score. A perfect 95 out of 95, the best score we have ever seen!

D5, I’m sure you can appreciate that this is extremely sensitive
information and we expect that you will keep this information closely
guarded.

Paul (on behalf of executive of a.f.b-g)

Dear Mr. Dvorak ∞

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn.
I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always
been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down
after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through
the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing,
games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and
specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps
that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into
Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable
picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have
none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a
COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only
we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened.
He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some
of my little Billy’s letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are
the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night
is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
— Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke.
By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used to it now.
Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.
— Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s
spellchecked too.

Dear Mom,
Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t
have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t
see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I
went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay,
really.
— Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best
camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was
real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you
send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank
diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that
you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
— Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at

[ed: this seems to have been chopped off]

Dear Santa, ∞

How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come
up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to
do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the
Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a
handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this
and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents
and control how they are delivered. It’s an impressive operation.

I also like how you’ve got it to where when somebody says
“Christmas presents,” people automatically think Santa Claus. What a
marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you’re a huge success,
people still don’t know much about your private life. It’s just
rumors. That’s so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For
example, when you’re designing toys, only your elves know what you’re
doing, and you’re way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal
your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that
you’re making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would
they buy the other guy’s stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can’t deliver them
like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway.
You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don’t
play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don’t get is why you give away stuff. That’s the dumbest
idea I’ve ever heard. I admit, its why you’re number one- who could
compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in
business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world.
You have to keep growing or fail.

Here’s an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give
everybody at least one battery-operated present at Christmas, then you
could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would
create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they
need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That’s so slow
and inefficient. And what about all the people who don’t have chimneys,
Santa? I have one word for you: windows. Everybody has windows.

That’s about all I have to say. You’re probably wondering if I was
good or bad this year, but I don’t really like to talk about my
personal life, if that’s O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a
boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don’t really
have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and
then build it myself. I guess I’m sort of like you– I make my own
toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates

From Caroline (caroline at shadow.net)

Numerology ∞

The real name of “the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where “III” means the
order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current
name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the
following:

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76

G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83

I 1
I 1
I 1
————–
666 !!!

Some might ask, “How did Bill Gates get so powerful?”
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and
total enslavement??? Before you decide, consider the following:
M S – D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide…

Light bulb jokes ∞

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

Q: How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They declare darkness the standard. bom bom.

North Pole News ∞

(north Pole) — In a suprise move, Santa Claus decided not to accept an offer
from Microsoft to include a free copy of Microsoft Word ’95 in each childs
stocking. The Radmond, Washington based software manufacturer had planned to
distibute over 50-million free copies of it’s new word processing program.
In a statement released from the North Pole, Santa says “While the
offer seemed generous, There was a catch”. The jolly old elf says “children
would have to buy a copy of Windows ’95 before they could use Word ’95”.
Santa’s spokes-elf, Winkey, says “the offer was just a clever marketing ploy
to sell copies of Microsoft’s new operating system”.

Speaking from his new puget sound home, Gates told the Un-associated
press he was very upset with Santa and had instucted his future aquisitions
department to consider a hostile takeover of Santa’s North Pole Operation.

Microsoft Keyboard Revealed ! ∞

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC
keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In
addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will
make your Windows computing even more functional. The
keys in development are:

1) GPF key–This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key–When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key–This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key–This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.

5) FUD key–Self explanatory.

6) Chicago key–Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key–Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

If Operating Systems Were Beers… ∞

DOS Beer : Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read
the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into
8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to
be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it
after it’s no longer available.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks
a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that
it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you
can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it..

Windows 95 Beer: You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested
it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you
look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will
probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95
Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company
promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after
Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer,
and suggested only for use in bars.

Stuff below does not refer to Microsoft. You may skip it … :)

Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When
you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not
on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that
“you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them,
even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer,
but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to
64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your
own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a
complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix
Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has
been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an
import. This beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer
fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz.
can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed
much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim
that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain
extremely un-beer-like contents.

If Operating Systems Drove Your Car ∞

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put the keys.

WINDOWS: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

MAC SYSTEM 7: You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you to church.

UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching 2000 mph en route, you arrive at the barber’s shop.

WINDOWS NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says ‘go to the store’. Then you get out of the car and nail the letter to the dashboard.

TALIGENT/PINK: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2: After fuelling up with 6000 gallons of gas you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400: An attendant kicks you into the car and then drives you to the store where you watch everyone else buy filets mignon.

I Had A Vision Of The Future And The Future Is… ∞

It might have been the anchovies on the pizza, or was that the pizza
on the anchovies? It might have been the cony dog with extra onions,
or it could have been the sauerkraut without the meat. Or it could
have been Wall Street. Whatever it was, I had a vision of the future,
and the future is Microsoft. This is that vision.

On a trip to Cupertino, Microsoft (formerly California), USA, or maybe
Cupertino, California, Microsoft (formerly USA), I tried to locate the
home of Apple Computer.
After a half a day of bad luck and staring at Windoze logos on all the
billboards on all the highways, I finally happened across a California
Highway Patrol car. It might even have been a Microsoft Highway Patrol
car (some details are fuzzy). I asked the officer if he would direct me
to Apple Computer’s headquarters.

Blue-gray eyes narrowed with suspicion. The officer asked me for some
identification. Walking behind my vehicle to get the plate number, he
spotted the Apple logo on my rear window (for clarification “window”
refers to glass and “Windoze” refers to Microsoft Windoze).

The NeXT thing I knew, I was staring down a poor excuse of a .32 caliber
gun. It wasn’t a true .32 caliber but an amateur would not know the
difference. One needed to be an expert on the subject to know that.

“Am I under arrest?” I asked.

“You fit the description of an enemy of Microsoft,” he replied. “An
ex-employee of Microsoft who defected over to Apple has been giving them
information about Windoze.” Moronic excuse I thought. Everybody knows that
Microsoft steals Apple’s ideas.

The officer put me in the back of the patrol car. A glass wall separated us.
Carved in a discreet corner of the glass by some unknown victim of Microsoftism
was the apt euphemism, “Bill Gates is NOT God!” Some sanity does exist in on
planet Microsoft I thought to myself.

An unfamiliar noise reached my ears. I looked into the front seat and was
greeted with an onboard computer with Windoze. 3What elseý I mumbled. The
officer frowned at me. He entered my name into the computer and attempted to
run it through MCIC (Microsoft Crime Information Center formerly NCIC the
National Crime Information Center).

He pushed enter and cursed. Leaning forward again I saw “Abort, Retry, Fail”
on the computer screen. The officer hit retry and received the same dialog.
“Bill damn it!” he cursed. Repeated attempts brought the same curses and the
same dialog. In the blink of an eye Windoze vanished and the cop was greeted
with a blank screen with the exception of some hieroglyphic in the upper left
corner. The only thing I recognized was the letter “C”.

The officer typed in some ominous code, but the computer refused to reboot and
refused to run Windoze. The officer sighed and shook his head. Noticing that I
was watching with rapt attention the officer smiled at me and proudly announced
that since the department installed Windoze 2001, their computers only crash
six times a day on average. This was the fifth today for him.

3My Apple never crashesý was the wrong thing to say. The officer wheeled around
and informed me that using that kind of language was a misdemeanor and if I
knew what was good for me I should refrain from using it.

I sat back in the seat and stared out the window bemoaning my string of bad luck.
As fortune would have it, the only view I had was that of a roadside billboard
with nothing other than the much lamented Windoze operating system. Another
billboard advertised Wall Street. As I peered at it I noticed the little blurb in
the lower right corner. 3Wall Street is a subsidiary of Microsoft.ý I shook my
head and closed my eyes hoping this was nothing but a nightmare and I would wake
up in my own stable world.

The DOS 10 Commandments ∞

1. I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

2. Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone
operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask,
or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack.

3. Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don’t need
that much space anyway.

4. Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all,
it’s ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of
RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other
things that might make thy computer useful.

5. Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory
path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears
on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where
that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out.

6. Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and
AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you.
Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

7. Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility
to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become
compatible with things created in the latter half of this century.
But you can still run WordStar 1.0

8. Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that J
D031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago
regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her
organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he
stands over you demanding proof.

9. Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be
mighty difficult. While you’re at it, don’t try to relocate branches of
the directory tree, either.

10. Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy
saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots
their OS to solve problems that shouldn’t occur in the first place.

The Dosfish ∞

Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the
writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the
Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would
need for support but few rams.

So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a
Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit
channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught but few
tricks. His alphabet had no A’s, B’s, or Q’s, but a mere 640 K’s, and
the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could
swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line,
and complained that he could neither be dragged or dropped. “Forsooth,”
they cried, “the Dosfish can do only one job at a time, and of names he
knows only eight and three.” And many of them left the Pea Sea for good,
and went off in search of the Magic Apple.

Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea
was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awile
in the Parc of the Xer Ox. And he made a Window that could ride on the
Dosfish, and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it
would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented
themselves with the Dosfish.

Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and
spoke thus: “Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the
Dosfish.” The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new
creature Oz II.

Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could
drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people
cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another
Oz II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim fast in the new, 32-bit
wide Pea Sea.

Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on
the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third window was the
prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third window, and to
use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said “Fie on
thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy Oz II Too, and I shall make of my
Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the
32-bit Pea Sea.”

Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant
were many times overrun by insects. And the people went on using their
Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time
become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his Oz II Too onto
the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a
great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said “It
is indeed great, but we see little application for it.” And they were
doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and
together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of
objects, and was most pink.

Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious
before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his
Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving
and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not in the Pea Sea, but also
in the Oceans of Great Risk. “Yea,” the Gateskeeper declared, “though my
Entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more
powerful than a world of Eunuchs.

And so the gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in
all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater
Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and
Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.

Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned
the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea
had grown and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to
invade their Ocenas, and it was rumored that files would be named in
letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and
many of them thought to immigrate.

Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they had
wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy
as one-two-three. And what’s more, many of them no longer wanted to pay
for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself
eighty-sixed.

And taking the next step was he of the NextStep, who had given up
building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help
anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those
who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and
required the biggest ram of all.

And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed.
And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes,
Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the
people still travel on the simple Dosfish.

Is Windows a Virus? ∞

Q. Is Windows a virus?

A. No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.

Maybe Windows is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So there! Windows is NOT a virus. …It’s a bug.

From Helen (helen at voland.cc.huji.ac.il)

Multitasking in Windows ∞

Didn’t you know

what is Multitasking in Windows???

Oh, that’s very simple.

That’s when 3 people are looking at the hourglass at the same time!

A Windows programmer’s story ∞

Once upon a time there was a poor innocent computer programmer who was looking for a job. As he wandered through a dark alley, a filthy little man approached him and said:

• Hey kid, wanna make a buck?
• Sure, the little programmer replied.
• Ever written billywindows programs?
• Never heard of it.

• He he don’t worry, you’ll learn in no time, just sign this contract. Don’t hesitate. There s pretty money to be made, just a signature.

The innocent little programmer was delighted to finally have found a job and put his name at the contract and the filthy little man into an equally filthy house.

• So what do I do? the programmer asked.

• Just read this manual, it’s really short beacuse it’s so really simple to write billywindows code, he he. The innocent little programmer started right away…

“What’s an IXOCATL-structure?” he asked himself while trying to find out how to put a blopp in the lower right corner of the window. The function making a blopp in the corner needed such a structure as fourth argument. After just 20 minutes of flickering through the manual he finally found a function called

hlpwxakCreateSomeFuckingItemAndWait() that returned an IXOCATL-structure. (Although he still had found out what hell an IXOCATL-structure represented, nor why it was needed to be recreated each time the program entered the message-loop.)

…the hlpwxakCreateSomeFuckingItemAndWait() needed an HLPMEIMLOSTINAHWND-structure as eleventh argument.

…more flicking through the manual…

By coincidence, he found a line saying something about the necessity of sending a KILLMEOHGODKILLME-message to the blopp (remember that? the blopp he was trying to make in the first place) each time anything at all had happened on the screen or five terabyte RAM would instantly be allocated and an intimidating letter would be sent to the users old grandmother, implying things about accidents involving her cat and something about a chain-saw.

The innocent little computer programmer wasn’t lost yet, he had even dealt with RSX-11 once, and survived.

But he *was* getting a little worried when he found out that the only way to send a KILLMEOHGODKILLME-message to the blopp was using five undocumented system calls with exactly three milliseconds delay between them or the swap would be unrecoverably lost for ever – that is, the whole partition would be lost physically. This would of course be fixed in the next release.

48 hours later he had found a way to make a blopp appear in the lower right corner of the window, but only for four seconds at the time, and only with a transparent background. The user would also have to press Ctrl-Alt-RightShift-U and sing “Land of hope and glory” and stomp his feet in the ceiling while having the third to seventh installations disks shoved up his rectum. And never, never let go of the mouse…

The innocent little programmer decided this wasn’t the kind of job he was looking for, he would be better off frying GreaseBurgers at McGrease instead, at least he wouldn’t have to humiliate himself.

To save his fellow programmers from having to experience the same trauma, he decided to put “rm -rf /” as an atjob and run as hell. To much disappointment there were no such thing as atjob on a billywindows-box and really no efficient way to delete a whole branch of a filesystem tree… and no real filesystem tree either for that matter. So he settled for simply crushing the damn thing with the Ford Bronco parked in the alley instead.

He later was given a Slackware-CD by his fairy godmother and lived happily ever after.

Help Save Windows 95 Jokes ∞

Help Save 95 – Contest.

Help a poor multi-billionaire keep from losing another couple billion
dollars. Contribute your ideas to SAVE ninny-fy.

Background: As one of first c.o.o.a’ers to go for the jugular with my
Windows 95 Flops [eye witness report] at 1:30 am on August 24th, it’s
only fair that I do my part to save the faltering Microsoft Corp
now in its death thrashes.

C.O.O.A! Help save Microsoft and Winnie-the-POOP.

The 250 million dollar advertising campaign produced fewer than 1
million sales. Each copy of ninny-fy cost 250 dollars to sell. You
can do better than that.

Contest assumptions: Bill has given you a check for another 250 million
and told you to sell as many ninny-fies as fast as possible. What are
your ideas?

1. Hide 200 one million dollar checks made out to “bearer” in random boxes of ninny-fy. Keep 50 million for myself.
2. Buy 2.8 million boxes of ninny-fy at retail. This guarentees beating Warp sales and solves any production problems. If you don’t call the help line, you improve the help to sales ratio.
3. SPAM the net about a boy who’s last wish is to be in the

Guiness book for owning the most copies of ninny-fy. Keep spamming and
switching internet providers until you spend all 250 million.

Please, no rude comments about buying Warp for $69 and relabeling it “MS
Warp – 95 edition, Now with Rexx! Presentation Manager and Windows in
one box!” While this will result in increased sales in the long run due
to improved customer satisfaction, it isn’t exactly what we want. We
need serious suggestions to save Microsoft and Ninny-fy before it’s
too late.

What the “95” in “Windows 95” really means ∞

1. The year it *was supposed* to be released (GA).
2. The amount of disks in which it will be packaged (can you say: “Microsoft conquers the floppy market?”).
3. The percentage of PCs which will need serious hardware upgrades.
4. The amount of fatal errors given in a regular working day.
5. The amount of patches/updates to get those fatal errors corrected.
6. The percentage of PC users which will change platforms.
7. The software returns percentage.

8. .

   1. The amount of disk space (in megabytes) required.
   2. The amount of disk space (in megabytes) the quick/minimum install requires.
9. The minimum amount of disk space (in megabytes) required for the swap file.
10. The amount of tech support calls Microsoft will get every second.
11. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
12. The number of minutes you will have to wait online before talking to a tech support rep.
13. Apple’s chance of winning the QuickTime lawsuit (in percentage).
14. The number of pages in the *EASY/QUICK-INSTALL* section of the manual.
15. The percentage of existing windows programs that won’t run under it.
16. The number of minutes the quick/minimum install will take.
17. The CPU speed (in MHz) needed to run it.
18. The amount of RAM (in megabytes) it requires to run more than 1 task.
19. The amount of RAM (in megabytes) it requires just to boot.
20. The number of installation attempts before you finally get it to install.
21. The number of times you will have to run SCANDISK to repair lost clusters and cross-linked files during a regular working day.

22. The amount of disks in which each patch/update will be packaged.

Micro$murf(r) Announce Drive 95(tm): New Version of Their Popular Car Operating System(tm) ∞

“Drive 95 will change the way people drive their cars forever,”
says Jill Bates, CEO of Micro$murf.

Micro$murf are proud to announce the release of Drive 95(tm) – the
long-awaited and much-discussed new version of their Car Operating
System(tm). Drive 95, previously code-named Chi-Car-Go, is a major new
release and contains many important improvements over the previous version,
Drive 3.11(tm). Several new features have also been implemented. This
announcement outlines the most prominent improvements and new features of
Drive 95.

True Multi-tasking (Well, Almost)

In Drive 3.11, turning on the radio while driving usually meant that the
steering, brake and transmission systems stopped working, and also that the
image on the wind-shield ‘froze’ and thus no longer displayed an up-to-date
view of the road ahead. This could sometimes be a problem, especially
while the car was moving at high speed. The reason for this behavior was
that Drive 3.11 allowed the radio to take full control over the car. If
the radio wasn’t carefully designed to return control (called ‘yielding’;
not to be confused with another driving term) to the Car Operating System,
it would use the entire power of the car just to play music. The same was
true for the cigarette-lighter, the rear window heater, the blinkers, and
many other features of the car. This is called cooperative multi-tasking;
the various functions of the car have to voluntarily cooperate with each
other and the Car Operating System for the car to work as expected.

Micro$murf, in their never-ending strive to offer users the most efficient
solutions based on the latest technology, have therefore introduced
preemptive multi-tasking in Drive 95. Preemptive multi-tasking has proved
effective and reliable in competing Car Operating Systems for several
years. Now you can enjoy music, light a cigarette, work the windshield
wipers, and remove mist from the rear window – all at the same time, and
while driving! Also, the windshield view doesn’t freeze when you look out
the side window like it used to; as many windows as you like are
continuously updated. Note: to fully reap the benefits of this new
feature, all functions of the car must be of the new, so-called 32-bit,
type. A wide selection of 32-bit replacement accessories are available
from Micro$murf. (The new 32-bit windshield, Windshield 96, is planned for
release during the second quarter of 1996.) Besides, on those occasions
when the car seems to be working like it used to under Drive 3.11, the new
glossy user interface (see below) is sure to hide this fact from the
inexperienced user.

Improved User Interface

Much work has gone into improving the user interface. The most striking
change is that Micro$murf’s creative and inventive designers have developed
the same metaphor that most other Car Operating Systems use: a car on a
road! Most beta-testers have found this object-oriented approach much more
intuitive than Drive 3.11’s application-centered Car Manager(tm), which
emphasized on functions such as ignition, transmission and catalytic
exhaust cleaning rather than on getting from point A to point B.

Several little pedagogical animations have also been included in the
system. As you move things to the glove compartment, for example, you will
see them majestically soar across the void, performing a double twist
before finally coming to rest at their destination. This will help you
understand that the things have indeed been moved.

Another improvement is that with Drive 95, you can give the various objects
as long names as you like. You can refer to the cigarette lighter as ‘The
Cigarette Lighter’, rather than as ‘CIGLGHTR.EXE’; you can call the
steering wheel ‘The Steering Wheel’, not ‘STRNGWHL.EXE’; the windshield
wipers can be named ‘The Windshield Wipers’ instead of ‘WSHDWPRS.EXE’; etc.
You can also create so-called shortcuts to objects you like to have handy.
The car’s registration papers, for example, no longer need to be located
using awkward and cryptic constructs such as
‘C:\FRNTSEAT\DASHBORD\GLVCPTMT\REGISTRA.TXT’ – if you use them a lot,
simply create a shortcut to them called ‘My Car’s Registration Papers’ and
place this shortcut where you want it. Note: if the original document is
moved or removed, the shortcut will not be automatically updated. This
would simply be impossible with today’s technology; however, since there
are competing Car Operating Systems that have this feature, Micro$murf
expect to include it in a future version.

Plug & Play

Drive 95 also reduces the amount of manual configuration necessary when
installing new or updated hardware components. For example, in Drive 3.11,
to replace a defective blinker lightbulb with one of a different make
and/or model, you had to manually re-wire the whole electric system of the
car; changing tires required extensive re-adjustment of the suspension;
when installing a horn, you had scores of different so-called ‘drivers’
(again, not to be confused with another common car term) to choose from,
only one of which would work; etc. Drive 95 takes care of these tedious
tasks for you, by automatically detecting and enabling available hardware.
This is called Plug & Play. Note: this will only work with hardware
designed to support Plug & Play. Look for the Plug & Play logo on the box
when purchasing hardware for your car.

Storage

Under Drive 3.11, the trunk of the car was divided into two separate
compartments, one small and one larger. The smaller one – known as the
Driver Operative Storage, or DOS, area – had a fixed size and could
therefore not be expanded when necessary; despite this, many important
accessories, like some of the ‘drivers’ previously mentioned, had to be
placed in this compartment. The larger one could only be reached through a
small latch in the wall between the two compartments. In addition, there
were two different methods for packing and accessing luggage in this
compartment: Extended Matter Storage (EMS) and Expanded Matter Storage
(XMS). Or maybe the other way around. Sometimes, EMS had to be used; at
other times, only XMS would work. An important new feature in Drive 95 is
the elimination of this wall and thus the need for EMS and XMS. This makes
packing a much easier task, at least as long as you’re only packing the new
32-bit luggage available from Micro$murf.

Conclusions

Building on the immense popularity of the Drive 3.11 Car Operating System,
Drive 95 is expected to become the de facto standard of the car industry
shortly. Between the massive marketing campaign and the fact that the
competing Car Operating Systems just aren’t made by Micro$murf, this is
more likely to occur sooner than later. So go with the winner – go with
Micro$murf!

Peter Wastholm
Marketing Director, Micro$murf Corp.

Win95 vs Jesus Christ ∞

If you have half a brain, you can’t help but notice the throng of
publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the
Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a
brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?

Let’s compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus
of Nazareth:

Jesus Windows 95 Said, “Surely I come quickly.” Has been promised “any day
now.” Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive Is taking a lot longer to
actually arrive. Can walk on water. Can crawl on a 486. Sits in judgement
at the pearly gates. Will be used to judge Bill Gates. Bible says, “In Him,
all things are possible.” Windows 95 doesn’t even all possible Windows apps.
Started life as a carpenter. Turns perfectly good computers into furniture.
Born in a manger. Resembles something found in a barn. Remembered for
protecting the weak. Has weak memory protection. Was raised from the dead.
Was created from Windows 3.1. Jesus performed great works for the
multitudes Windows 95 multitasking performance barely works. Jesus has
no sin. Windows 95 has no shame.

You decide.

For Sale: Win95 box dust remover ∞

Attention all retailers:

All those boxes of Windows 95 gathering too much dust in your stores?
Annoyed that Microsoft won’t take them back? Watching your inventory
turnover ratios hit new lows?

Well, you can’t sell it; You can’t return it; and it’s gathering dust.
What to do???

I’ve got the answer! At least, you can remove the damn dust from it!
That’s right! A Windows 95 box dust remover, specially sized JUST for
Windows 95. For only $19.95, it comes with a picture of Bill Gates
leering at you.

Order now! Supplies are limited (compared to supplies of Windows 95, which
are quite unlimited, and likely to be so for the near future).

And, if you order now, we will send you, free, a Windows 95 Box Opener.
There’s no need to waste good diskettes. This nifty device will tear open
that crummy box of Win95, remove the disks, and format them, so that they
can be reused. Plus, because Microsoft used shitty disks, it will also
run a test program so that the roughly 40% of usable disks can be recycled.

Order now!

Sing-a-long jokes: Windows’95 is coming to town ∞

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, 
Better not pout, I'm telling you why: 
Windows'95 is coming to town. 

Bill Gates' makin' a list and checkin' it twice, 
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice 
Windows'95 is coming to town 

Bill Gates sees you when you're sleeping. 
Bill Gates knows when you're awake. 
Bill Gates knows if you've been bad or good, 
So be good for goodness sake. 

So, you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, 
Better not pout, I'm telling you why: 
Windows'95 is coming to town. 

Chain mail NT ∞

In a recent issue of Infoworld, Mr. Cringely said that Windows NT
was going to be distributed using this method. “Within 60 days you will
receive a letter from Redmond containing a list of names and addresses,
along with instructions to write 10 lines of C code and send them to the
address at the top of the list. Add your name to the bottom and mail copies
to 84 of your friends. In a few weeks you will receive 12.5 million lines
of NT source code, ready for compiling and linking.

Bill gates is the devil ∞

Indisputable proof that… Bill Gates is the Devil!!!

Well, okay, maybe it’s not indisputable, but it’s funny anyway!

“Woe to you, oh earth and sea. For the Devil sends the Beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the Number of the Beast, for it is a human number. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six.”
— Revelations (New Testament)

Bill Gates: Visionary ∞

Bill Gates. The name conjures up images and visions. Things like pencils,
and necks. And words. Oh, the words. Bill’s VisionarySpeak(tm) is second
to none. Below, a small sample of this great mans plans for the future.

The key to the future is interconnectivity. Electronic devices will be
nodes on a global object oriented network, powered by next-generation
massively parallel set top boxes, all running Poughkepsie, the next
version of Cairo.

This global omninet will interconnect everyone and everything, and you will
be able to interface — and outerface — with client server based internet
tools. Intelligent agents will act as wizards, reconfiguring the workspace
to meet the needs of each user.

These technologies will be pioneered by cooperative workgroups that span
multiprotocol networks. Collaborative virtual reality will interoperate over
diverse topolgies, and be the enabling technology of tomorrow’s cyberculture.

New stuff from Microsoft… ∞

Microsoft has developed an easy-to-use, interactive and low-cost device
standard. It will do just about anything, while using a Microsoft operating
system. This new product is called “Simply Interactive PC” or SIPC,
pronounced “SIP-SEE.” The key features of SIPC are high-quality sound and
video, easy connectivity with other devices and low cost. With SIPC Microsoft
is offering an “open standard” that already has the endorsement of
industry leaders like Toshiba, Compaq, Phoenix Technologies,
Hewlett-Packard, and Intel.

The heart of the system is the Win32 Driver Model, which provides a common
driver architecture for the Windows 95 and Windows NT operating systems
utilizing plug and play. SIPC in action includes a PC that connects VCRs,
stereos and televisions, telephones, and fax machines. SIPC system helps
in game-playing, watching a movie or TV program, browsing the World Wide
Web, listening to voice-mail or sending e-mail. The SIPC standard is
scheduled for release in the second half of 1996.

Microsoft Corp. stated in late January that its second quarter revenues
jumped 48 percent over the same period last year, reaching $2.2 billion.
The shareholders earned $0.87 per share. Earnings were a 45 percent
increase over the $0.60 earned last year. Microsoft’s 32-bit Windows
operating system and the applications that run on that operating system
contributed significantly to the results. Revenues from desktop applications
were well over $800 million. Revenues from Companys Back Office suite of
products doubled over the same quarter of the prior year. The company said
sales to OEMs (original equipment manufacturers) that pre-install Microsoft
Windows on their PCs, produced record revenues for the quarter, up 75
percent over 1995. An estimated 8 million end users obtained Windows 95
pre-installed on new computers during the second quarter.

Microsoft has put The Chinese version of Windows 95 into large-scale
production in Shanghai. The Chinese version will follow the standard
Chinese fonts and input methods recommended by the Chinese Committee on
Information Technology Standards (CCITS).

Microsoft’s list of new products to be introduced to Chinese users in 1996
will also include Microsoft Office 95, and Chinese version of Windows NT.

Microsoft’s Bill Gates’ Company Buys Photo Archives. Corbis Corp.,
a company owned by Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates, has purchased
one of the world’s largest photo agencies, the Bettmann Archive. The 16
million photos will be digitized and distributed and licensed to publishers
of magazines, books, advertisements, films, television programs,
newspapers, and other print and electronic media.

Microsoft Windows 95 has come. EC officials will follow closely its
arrival. In US the justice department has reacted to Internet service
providers concern that Microsoft might violate laws on competition and
monopoly. Microsoft Corp. promoted its new Windows 95 operating system
with a 30- minute TV special. The show “introduced millions of Americans
the power and possibilities of computers”. The show included a visit to a
remote Appalachian classroom connected to the rest of the world by computers
and a look at a cutting-edge rock band that combines music, video, art and
graphics into a complete multimedia experience. Many software companies
have made enhanced versions of their software especially designed for
Windows 95. For example PageMaker 6.0, CorelDraw 6.0 and ABC Graphics Suite
have been announced to work with Windows 95.

Microsoft announced in July that its 1995 fiscal year, which ended June 30,
1995, was a record year for the company. Company’s revenues reached
almost $6 billion. That is a 28 percent increase over the previous year.
Net income for the year was $1.45 billion. Earnings per share were $2.32.
In fiscal year 1995 Microsoft invested $860 million in research and
development. It also spent $1.89 billion for sales and marketing. Total
costs and expenses in 1995 amount to $3.9 billion.

Microsoft Corp. has spent $70 million so far in promoting its Windows 95
operating system. The system is due to release for Aug. 24th, and analysts
say the total eventually will reach $150 million to $200 million. Other
software companies, PC makers, wholesalers and retailers are expected to
jointly spend at least another $200 million.

“The legacy of Microsoft Corp.’s Windows 95 may ultimately be in marketing
rather than technology,” comments business writer George Tibbits of The
Associated Press. Tibbits observes, Expectations Microsoft has set are likely
to outweigh the technical performance of Windows 95. Microsoft’s executives
have started to back- pedal a bit. Microsoft Vice President Brad Silverberg
has said “It’s clear that the hype factor for Windows 95 got out of hand.
It’s not a floor wax, it’s not a dessert topping, it’s just Windows.”

Allmost each day through February and most of March, Microsoft issued a
press release about a PC maker that planned to install Windows 95 into its
future machines.

Microsoft introduced a multimedia PC tool for the young audience at the end
of June. Multimedia StoryTime program was developed in cooperation with the
Association for Library Service to Children, a division of the American
Library Association. Microsoft Multimedia Storytime Resource Kit includes a
guide with tips on how to plan a Multimedia Storytime.

Microsoft Network (MSN) could be anti-competitive in its operations within
the European Community, as defined in the Treaty of Rome. EC’s usual
procedure for investigations of this type take a few years to complete.
This can kill MSN in Europe because people can get online services from the
competition. EC’s Competition Minister Karel van Miert issued the statement
in June. Microsoft has only recently formally notified the EC of its
intention to operate the MSN in the EC territories. The US Department of
Justice announced similar competition examination of MSN in the US.

Microsoft started shipments of its Windows NT Workstation and Windows NT
Server operating system software version 3.51 in June in US. Microsoft is
going to ship NT version 3.51 in Europe in July. The new releases support
PowerPC-based systems.

NT Release 3.51 has a tool to help users manage client access licenses
for Microsoft BackOffice products, a utility for over-the-network
installation of the Microsoft Windows 95 operating system software, support
for PCMCIA (Personal Computer Memory Card International Association), fax
software, Windows 95-compatible applications, and has a replaceable Winlogon
screen for alternate security devices. Version 3.51 provides the same services
for Intel, Alpha AXP, MIPS, and PowerPC platforms.

Microsoft Corp. released pricing details for its Windows 95 operating system
at the beginning of June. The Wall Street Journal quotes the company as
estimating retailers will price the software at $109.95 for an upgrade
package. Upgrading is meant for users of Microsoft Windows or comparable
software such as IBM OS/2 system. DOS users or those without any operating
system will pay about $209.95.

Microsoft Windows 95 will break every industry sales record after its
launch, scheduled for Aug. 24. In June and July Microsoft is just fixing
compatibility bugs both software and hardware. The Win95 startup screen has
new options:

• My Computer.
• Network Neighborhood.
• Recycle Bin
• An Inbox.

• A sign-up option for Microsoft’s online service, The Microsoft Network.

Microsoft has given a date to expect Windows 95 final version on retail
shelves. Windows 95 will be available in retail stores by August 24, 1995.
GT Interactive Software has announced its latest video product, The Microsoft
Windows ’95 Informational Video. The release date of the video is August 1.
GT Interactive Software is projecting initial sales to hit 10 million
copies. GT chose NBC-TV’s television stars Jennifer Aniston and Matthew
Perry as hosts to the instructional video. To match the importance of the
release of Windows ’95 Microsoft is going to bring a fresh and new look to
instructional videos using Hollywood-style entertainment. The program will be
distributed worldwide in five different languages: English, French,
Japanese, Spanish, and German.

Microsoft and NBC have announced the formation of a multimedia alliance in
mid-May. The alliance covers a broad range of areas including online,
interactive TV, CD-ROM and other digital products. The firms note that the
alliance will combine those efforts into traditional broadcast and cable
television resources. NBC will build new online services for The Microsoft
Network. NBC has established three standalone businesses in the new media
area: NBC Data Network, NBC Desktop Video and NBC Digital Publishing.

Microsoft announced a computer mouse designed for children ages 2 to 6 in
May. The new mouse is called EasyBall. EasyBall’s design offers improved
control for little hands. Windows- and DOS-based PC compatible EasyBall
resembles a bright yellow sun surrounded by Saturn-like rings.

Microsoft Windows 95 operating system information, news and Windows 95
shareware and freeware software resources from across the Internet are
available on World Wide Web: biology.queensu.ca/~jonesp/ (Gone, checked Oct ’05)

Microsoft introduced the Windows 95 Game Developer’s Kit at the end of April.
The new kit attracts game developers to the soon-to-be-released Windows 95
Operating system. The game subsystem is available only as part of the Game
SDK. It will be built into future versions of Windows. Microsoft will also
incorporate the Reality Lab real-time three-dimensional rendering engine
into future versions of Windows.

Microsoft Bob has no manual with the software. User may choose from the
animated helpers which include a dog, a cat, a parrot, a friendly dragon
and the teenager called Scuz. Bob himself with his heavy glasses does not
appear in the program.

Microsoft Bob’s red front door and the personal animated helper guides the
user. The various programs are integrated. User may write a letter and pull
in the appropriate address from the address book, then send the letter
electronically via e-mail. Bob needs a 486 or higher with 8 MB of RAM to run
on Windows 3.1. SuperVGA with 256-colors is also the new graphics baseline.
Soundcard is recommended. Price is about $100.

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said on 16th of March in Brussels, Belgium
that the company is ready to launch Windows 95 in August. The program is
currently being tested by 50,000 users. Windows 95 would be shipped out to
400,000 people by the end of March for further feedback. Microsoft wants to
make sure that they have got it right. The upgrade price for current users
of MS-DOS and Windows 3.1 would be about $100.

Windows 95 Launch Support Team gets support from DEC (Digital Equipment
Corporation). DEC has announced plans to pre-load Windows 95 on its desktop
and notebook PC systems when the new operating system from Microsoft is
ready. DEC officials expect that Windows 95 will bring a friendly user
interface. It is expected to have the ability to automatically configure
peripherals, expanded capabilities for sharing files and system
resources, and built-in fax software and file synchronization.

Microsoft has acquired RenderMorphics in February. This gives Microsoft a
high-performance 3-D graphics program called Reality Lab. This program is
currently used in PC-based games and multimedia applications made by
Autodesk, Creative Labs, Kaleida Labs and Virgin Entertainment. Microsoft
plans to enhance the Reality Lab product line and make it a general-purpose,
real-time 3-D applications program interface (API) in future versions of the
Windows operating system.

Microsoft Bob is a new Microsoft user interface designed for the home
computing market that is supposed to be easier to use than the Windows
graphical user interface (GUI) currently available. It is based on Windows.
Microsoft is going to support this simpler interface in its consumer software
line. Bob is based on a cartoon character. The new interface is also called
as a new social interface.

Bob uses animated characters to move through various on-screen rooms where
the user can write letters, balance checkbooks, keep personal calendars,
send and receive electronic-mail, play a game called GeoSafari and keep
track of household functions like getting the car lubed or planning what to
plant in your garden. The animated characters are smart enough to learn the
user’s preferences and offer help in accomplishing the desired task by
engaging the user in a dialog.

Intel Corp. is showing new ways to move audio, video and communication to
the motherboard of a Windows PC. Intel is trying to give the PC the
integrated qualities of home electronics found in a stereo or in a
television set.

Tha Future at Microsoft ∞

What’s New Last Updated: 05/29/96 10:40 AM PST

Introducing Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.0 Beta

The next-generation architecture for creating active web content, which
provides users with a personalized web experience.

Explore Innovations in History and in Microsoft Office with this Fun
Contest So, how exactly did a gnomon tell time? Yes, the questions are
tough. But you’ll learn about MS Office innovations and you could win a
prize from The Sharper Image, Kodak or Hewlett Packard.

See What’s Hot for Windows 95: Sample 26 of Your Favorite Games
You’ve played Fury 3 and Doom, but not like this! Check out the speed,
the responsiveness of games played on the Windows 95 platform. Order a CD
sampler for just $9.95.

Microsoft Announces BackOffice 2.0

Find out what BackOffice is doing at Internet World and catch the latest
announcements. Microsoft BackOffice family of integrated server software
includes messaging and groupware, a high-performance Web server and an
updated database, all with built-in support for the Internet and intranets.

Microsoft Submits Draft on Security Interoperability to W3C

Microsoft submits PFX (Personal Effects Exchange) draft to W3C and reaffirms
its commitment to open Internet review and standards processes.

FrontPage 1.1 Beta 2 Download Now Available–Free!

See why FrontPage 1.1 is the easiest and fastest way to create and manage a
professional looking Web site. With powerful new functionality and special
introductory pricing, Web publishing is not just for webmasters anymore!

Microsoft & Adobe Systems Collaborate to Deliver Universal Font Format
The new OpenType initiative will provide a new universal font format that
will combine today’s leading font technologies, streamlining the management
of existing fonts and the next generation of type for the Internet.

Microsoft Releases SQL Server 6.5: Download Free Evaluation Copy!

Microsoft SQL Server 6.5 offers a wealth of new features, including built-in
support for Internet applications, improved performance, enhanced distributed
management tools and a new Dynamic Locking architecture.

Microsoft At Home ∞

The Microsoft At Home web site gives you the latest news, tips and
information on Microsoft products to help you with your personal PC
needs.

Microsoft Windows 95 $19.95 Exclusive Offer for Educational Institutions

For just $19.95, U.S. educational institutions can use Microsoft Windows 95
to create the foundation for a rich learning environment and easy
PC administration. Find out more about Windows 95 and this offer now!

Microsoft Exchange Server Now Available!

Now is the time to take a look at the first integrated messaging and
groupware server designed to provide users and system administrators with
native open and secure access to the Internet.

ActiveX Template Library Ready For Developers

The ActiveX Template Library makes it simple for C++ programmers to build
fast, lightweight, ActiveX components. Download it now from the
Microsoft Visual C++ Web site.