Programming > Comedy >
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At least as old as 16-Mar-1992 14:38
(source not recorded)
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you’re using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
| 6502: | You shoot yourself in the foot. |
| 68000: | You can’t decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you hang yourself. |
| Z80, 8080…: | You foot yourself in the shoot. |
| Ada: | If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, “Shoot at his feet.” |
| Ada: (alternate) | The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette. |
| APL: | You hear a gunshot, and there’s a hole in your foot, but you don’t remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened. |
| APL: (alternate) | =GN |
| Assembly: (general) | You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight. |
| BASIC (interpreted): | You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and falls off. |
| BASIC (compiled): | You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. |
| C: | You shoot yourself in the foot. |
| C: (alternate) | You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you did. |
| C++: | You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “that’s me, over there.” |
| COBOL: | USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER. |
| dBase: | You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets. |
| FORTRAN: | You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing was anticipated. |
| Modula/2: | After realizing that you can’t actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head. |
| Modula-2: (alternate) | You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun. |
| occam: | You shoot both your feet with several guns at once. |
| ORCA/C: | Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN! |
| Pascal: | You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot is the wrong type and out of range to boot! |
| PL/I: | After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot. |
| Prolog (interpreted): | Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age before the bullet leaves the gun. |
| Prolog (compiled): | The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting you in the foot, but it replies “No.” |
| sh, csh,etc.: | You can’t remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C. |
| Smalltalk: | You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal. |
| Snobol: | Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet. |
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date taken from the original text file’s reported date