I was in one of my moods, so I'm sure that didn't help. She didn't react favourably - probably because she was in one of her moods, and she dropped the ban hammer. But since I'm anti-deletionist I kept everything.
I could get into things, and give my thoughts, but the point of this is to be anti-deletionist and nothing more.
What follows are my comments. Originally posted on a blog but not allowed to be published. I saved them and am posting them here, without context. I think they stand alone fairly well.
Nobody Deserves Love ∞
Nobody deserves love. We're not somehow magic-ed into existence and fated with the universe as our plaything. We are not owed anything.
Nor is love a deserved response to anything at any time.
Love is forced and without permission. One falls in love, others fall in love. It happens, and if one tries to "make" it happen, it slips away.
If love were like water, one could try to take some water and it will trickle out from between ones fingers. Instead, if walked into, one can pause and soak ones feet in it.
We wander through life with a piece of ourselves both expecting and worrying. Worrying about consequences, worried about reactions and worried about relationships.
One of the tricks of being happy in life is to care a little less about consequences. Be evil. I like to be evil in the sense that I am apathetic to the future that I am not immediately labouring toward.
When the future that I don't worry about bumps into me, I pause to learn from the experience - good or bad - and then continue with apathy to it. There's nothing I could then do to change the past anyways. Immediate consequences - reactions - require immediate concern. Other things both require and deserve no concern.
Love can be a kind of nagging expectation, a gnawing that never ceases. A worry and a memory, an idea and an ideal.
But love can also be caught in tiny fleeting moments. A gust of wind through a tree or a glance past a stranger.
Most think of love as that feeling they get with another. They think "falling in love" and they think of a relationship.
But for some of us, it's the dim burning of embers inside of us. Occasionally blown on and brightened. Occasionally fueled. Occasionally rained on yet always burning and slightly painful. Lighting a little corner of the lonely darkness within us.
Love isn't something given so it can't be something deserved. It's something already in us, discovered long ago when daydreaming looking at a cloud on a nice day, or from some piece of art or music.
The love we've already had comes to life when we open up just a little to let someone else blow on those embers.
On Being Evil ∞
Just being evil is one thing, but being evil and also recognizing it is different.
Recognizing ones evil it is also envisioning, however muddy that vision, the implications of ones actions. It's empathizing with the real and imagined impact of ones actions.
Fucking with the universe is a good and proper way to assert ones control over ones moral compass. Having a strong sense of that compass and yet also being able to arbitrarily bend ones own rules when they don't suit a situation is a good way to re-assert freedom from ones self!
Every action or lack of action has impact and is evil to some degree. Someone or something somewhere was nudged in some direction.
It's unpleasantly like being drunk.
What's so unpleasant about being drunk?
Ask a glass of water.
-- Douglas Adams
Even drinking a glass of water is evil. =)
The trick is to be less evil where possible, and not care too much about the world going to hell in a handbasket. At least it's a nice handbasket, and hell has a lot of cool people.
On Lucid Dreaming ∞
Lucid dreaming can happen spontaneously with a particularly comfortable neurotypical mind. That's not you, yet.
Outside of that spontaneous generation, it's not even something that people can do on purpose. People get there not because they're trying really hard but because they discover a sort of inner comfort and understanding, and it just happens. They bump into it.
It may just happen with you on the off-chance simply because you know it exists. I hope that happens for you, because it's one thing to have heard about it, it's another thing to have a trusted professional inform you, and it's a paradigm shift to actually experience it.
It's not a floodgate that opens if you experience it once, but even the one time makes you more confident and makes future lucidity more likely -- and even makes regular dreaming (even nightmares) easier.