- ed1. is 2016-04-16
ed2. is 2016-09-19
This was something I wrote Pen and Paper. It was done as a bit of private venting. Reading over it now I think maybe it'd be interesting to add here, so I'm transcribing it.
This was done as a stream of consciousness experiment, as well as a way to chew on a bunch of ideas which had been rattling around in my head for a while. None of this was originally written with any intent for its communication, but as I re-read it it doesn't seem particularly private to me and it ought to be expressed so it's not locked away in a vacuum forever. Still, because of the way it was written and its target audience, parts of it may seem detached or may not make particular sense.
I went looking for an old spiral-bound notebook. The last memory I have of it was tossing it aside with a kind of rude contempt. I was even aware of that emotion at the time. I walked back and forth a few times through my place and I never found it. I checked all the open spaces, and all the logical places and it was gone.
That notebook has some small meaning to me. It was my dream journal for a time, and I though that it might serve this new purpose.
[ed1. The dream journal use was several years before this piece. I used it for a couple of weeks maybe.]
New Purpose. That's what I want. I think I need to stop wanting and stop dreaming perhaps. I don't know.
I always had a thought in my head. Like Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings, an old British TV series, I wanted dreams and imagination and ideas to be real. I suppose all children wish this. I suppose some of those wishes stick to us nomatter what we do or how we change as we become "adults".
I don't think that people ever really grow up. I always thought of adults as just being tall children. Maybe that's why there is still so much nonsense in the world. Daydreaming made manifest by tall children ... a world full of adults who never grew up.
Maybe that's as it should be. People dreaming in spite of a world where it makes no rational sense.
[ed1. By that I meant that dreaming is irrational.]
Of course, perhaps I should not be political. There is a bredth and depth and there are so many nuances to such things that I don't want to expend my life caring. But do I have better things to do?
I write fast and light because my hand hurts. I type and type and never tire, but somehow I can never write... not write like I used to. Like I ought to. But my mind feels so comfortable with this stream of consciousness writing. Single-tasking, not multi-tasking. I miss that.
Purpose. A harrowing thought, like my lack of a spell-checker within these paper pages. The purpose of this is a thought experiment. I had been aware of some curiosities for some time now. For forever I should say. That awareness and the scope of the curiosities has shifted - perhaps towards completeness and perhaps not - over time. Not as with maturity, or with perception and opinion, but more like practice.
"And the things I drew come true." A powerful phrase. I wonder.
I see coincidence. I see plans. Plans within plans. I always thought that the world and adults were rational, planned, positioned, better. But they are just tall children, dreaming irrationally and with ... They wield great powers, they collaborate. - We collaborate without knowing, without planning, without reason. There is a kind of commonness there. A familiarity everywhere.
Perhaps I am too well-fed, too comfortable. I think that's true.
So. I have at some points thought, dreamed and wished. But these were not idle well-fed daydreams. These were events. Thoughts and wishes as events like desires. But not like a desire for food, which I have felt. Not like a grasping in the dark, which I have done. Note idle, and not greedy and not lonely. There was purpose.
Coincidence. I have prophesied. Luck. But I have demanded, in a tone similar to so many coincidences. Those coincidences seem so alike because of that tone. While other events are their random selves, that tone and those coincidences are unique to each other. Somehow I rationalize a kind of chalk that...
This can't be real. Dreams stay in the sleeper. The world is supposed to be ... manufactured. Planned. Intentional. Adult. Reality is supposed to be consistent and predictable and knowable. There should be assurance. The world should be saner than I. It should not be unique to my perspective or influenced by it.
Influence. That's what this is. I need to know that these private words -- no, I'm saying this wrong.
Magical thinking is, to me, a though thought that becomes like Simon's chalk. The world - the real world - is changed. Not just dreams, and not just perspective. Not mere motivation or coincidence, but real ... miracles?
I need proof. I do not need to break down my barriers. I do not want to self-rationalize. I do not want this vague feeling anymore. [ed1. cognitive dissonance?]. I want to know, or I want it to go.
I will pay attention to a few things. - timing. Events and thoughts seem to coincide. I need to know if certain thoughts and certain events of certain importance are directly related. I need to distinguish my various - ok, first I realise that thoughts and opinions are coloured by one's perspective. I want to maintain awareness of this. I want to avoid this as a problem.
I also need to distinguish between my different moods. I have not been diagnosed, but I am becoming increasingly aware of being bipolar. [ed1. diagnosed more or less, I like to call it "bipolar spectrum"]. I think it's more complex than that though. There are other brain, personality, opinion/preference, culture and social things going on. These things bounce off of one another. They interact, they catalyse.
I still want to keep all of that. It isn't that I feel powerful for "toughing it out". It is more. It is me and I want it to be a part of me. I want to be better because of it.
[ed1. Being bipolar has been more problematic to my life than I had ever realised, and I've taken steps to moderate it.]
pause - (short)
I am able to find people. I have reaching thoughts and concerns and somehow I ... I find a book, an article, a video, a reference and it echoes what I had already been thinking of. I wonder if I should - or even could - keep a diary so thorough that my moods, desires, thoughts and events could be recorded so thoroughly that a relationship could be found. Found but not "invented". The conclusion drawn from the evidence.
pause - (I continued writing later that day)
Event - looked outside to see a car pull up, back up and loiter. I hate that. I've been pacing for a while, forced to wait for one of two things. I think about the one person getting a lift from his friend.
I wonder if the phone works, as some networking is being played with. I check. I pace some more. I'm tired and need a nap. I daydream a bunch. The guy calls and says he got a lift from a friend. Coincidence.
5-10 minutes between the thought and the confirmation.
pause - (I continued writing later that day)
As he leaves, I figure he'll loan some money from his driver to buy something else. He does...
One thing which I'm experimenting with, which is related to this chalk-effect, is asking others the things that are on my mind.
Sometimes people offer solutions before I even ask. But often they have solutions when I do. This visitor may have helped with a recent concern of mine, offering a very good solution. Strange. This kind of external help has happened before, and when I was in a similar frame of mind. I wonder if there is something to this.
There have been several moments when I remember a related event. Almost like a history of evidence. But I will disregard them, or at least I will not include them here. I hope to stay unbiased, if this is even possible. I don't want some kind of perceived history clouding or colouring my judgement.
pause - (that evening)
I got to thinking about "two-second intuition" where some thought predicts an immediate event. I was walking and I thought I'd try an old long-walk, and in that first step the heel of my leading foot slipped. Odd things like this happen every so often. My action, my flinch, does not always do the right thing. I often "lean into" the intuited thing. But I shouldn't dwell on the past.
pause - day two
I broke a dream, and woke up 1 minute before my alarm would have gone off. I had woken up 2 hours earlier to take a piss, so I know my internal clock works at the 2-hour range. [at least]
pause - (that afternoon)
Watching an interview, I predicted an answer. I was paying quite close attention to it, and enjoying it. I was actively guessing what the interviewee would be asked on a topic they were on, and then I guessed the answer ahead of time.
Perceptual intuition, is a name I'll give for a lack of another official title, for a piece of intuition - a prediction or hunch or whatever - which could have an explanation in peripheral or unconscious senses. I glance at something, daydreaming, then I have
a moment of intuition. I examine what I glanced at, and I confirm the intuition. This is not real prediction, just keen senses that interrupt a daydream and are interpreted with that daydream's mindset -> like an intuited thought.
I have often been aware of this "peripheral intuition" and it has coloured my opinions of intuition, so I will try very hard to discount these events and any importance they may be seen to have.
So I suppose I should be brave and just put chalk to slate, and see what I can manifest.
[ed1. Manifestation can be very roughly explained as the willing of good luck.]
First, I don't think that it is writing which does it. I think that the thinking - the wishing - manifests.
Manifestation One: Others will tell me stories of manifestation and how they see it or do it. My manifestation will teach me about itself.
Confirmation bias is something I will try to be aware of. But I'm not sure how to confidently eliminate this concern. Is it possible? Isn't "manifestation" biased?
[ed1. At first I thought that this prophesy never came true, but now that I think of it.. when I moved after writing this, one of the first things of any philosophical interest that I was exposed to was this very topic.]
It's odd that I noticed it, but I didn't note it. I have some oddities on my "reading list" so to speak, and a video introduction to magic popped up. So I suppose I should go back to it and pay attention this time. Some notes then...
- Personal experience, try it before judging it.
- Be sceptical
- Knowledge of the driving, not the car or the mechanics
- experiment and collect evidence
- don't expect to reproduce the successes of others, try, but on failure ... give up!
- objective things impact subjective views
- cause-and-effect = effect-and-cause
Balance, direction, timing, intent
Imagery. I have a strong dislike for imagery. Feeling insulted or pressed-upon by imagery of any sort. I hate advertising. I hate labels. Perhaps it is some kind of recognition of influence? Thinking magically would have me conclude that there is some objective reality influence from the imagery. Or is it just my subjective recognition of it? Maybe imagery colours my perspective and opinions?
So I suppose that I should now choose some other more material test. I want to examine another angle, or some other possibilities.
I want to sell all my furniture as one set to one buyer.
[ed1. this never happened, I actually donated my stuff]
~ "If you activate someone's imagination or intention you will activate the chi." I still have an uncanny ability to "research" and bump into things. I paraphrased that from a Taoist.
Insects react to intention. A coincidence perhaps, but this projection / intuition mood / timing seem to be somehow related. I've seen it before, but to avoid history colouring my perspective I'll wait for future events before claiming there is some kind of theme.
A big fly of some kind landed on my window. It looked almost tangled for a sec, and I wanted to go look at it. I looked away, even though I had thought to myself to keep looking at it, in case it flew away. In that moment, it did.
[ed1. Since writing this, I've noticed insects will hang around not caring about me until I notice them and react. I still think it's my breathing that's tipping them off.]
[ed2. Summer-2015 I had a semi-pet wasp which would find its way into my kitchen. I kicked it out a once or twice before. However, for once, I had a friend right there in the room when I opened the door, walked over to the wasp, pointed to the door and shouted for it to get it. It flew out immediately. It didn't come back in, but I found it outside, sleeping outside the door. I tapped to see if it was alive, and it woke up and flew away. I never saw it again. I feel bad.]
I wonder if multiple things that are on my mind can come true. My real desire is to alleviate my current worry. I want to sell all my stuff. I want to find a new direction, new purpose, a new home and a new job.
Consensus reality is contrary to individual magical thinking. Sceptics require "demonstrable evidence" and consistency.
Luck comes to those who work hard.
5b (blank) ∞
6 a/b 7 a/b removed ∞
I posted the previous two pages as a video response. It hung there, saying "publishing". I goofed around, and waited to no avail. I said out loud "why would it do that?" and then [just then] it worked!
A follow-up video was made, but I doubt that it was in response to me, since he had the same shirt on. [as the previous video I was responding to]. It is more likely that he wrote 1, recorded 1, wrote 2, recorded 2 then edited and published 1 before 2.
One interesting thing was mentioned was the idea of putting something out of one's mind. Will / intend something then give it time. But then there's no way to tell if there is confirmation bias or coincidence when something related does occur.
It's been a few days since I've thought of this. A few minor things happened which are easily dismissed.
So I'll have to scan and archive this, and I may pick up this idea in digital form. [ed1: oh hey, and here I am]. I don't know what will happen to this idea or if this can ever be continued.
My video got a text promise of a later response, so I think that this response and my thoughts on it will be my final work in this pseudo-journal that I am writing now.
I suppose that like so many others (it seems) that I externalise the "blame" or responsibility for my more challenging
desires. Perhaps I am superimposing or replacing this writing and even this more recent activity with my own personal responsibility for my decisions? I do think that I will somehow find direction or inspiration from the very circumstances of my life. I've done this for quite some time and it is the foundation of my version of "magical thinking". But I also think that I shield my self esteem and sense of personal responsibility behind the "cues" or signs which surround any hesitation I feel and fill up with magical thinking.
So even if so-called magical thinking is placebo or pure bullshit, my openly recognizing these various possibilities and "players" and opinions / perceptions etc may help influence my perceptions and expectations. That is to say ... perhaps in recognizing my biases I may be able to grow. I don't really know what's going on with any of these writings. Perhaps it is some kind of self-healing mechanism at work, like as though my introspection is searching for a cure for itself. [ed1: wow, that's powerful] I don't feel that I am "talking to myself" as such, and certainly not like some crazy person, but I will examine and watchdog the processes that are watching other watchdogs (etc).
I always think to myself that I should have some burning need in life, as expressed through my spending of my time. Perhaps I would hold some job, which is unlikely. Perhaps I would have some hobby though. Some pastime could exist to fill this burning need. This calculation and computation I seem to be doing with this introspective.
But in writing, I do not feel a sense of progression. Progression - this is something I seem to want, but also fear. Right now I do not have a skill to perfect. I could be seen to be at peace of a sort, except for this growing introspection. In writing I do not feel a sense of progression, or a sense of cessation of my hunger.
So do I want some hobby or job which has a goal? Is this some kind of known retirement? I don't know. I don't feel the need to abandon my non-job or non-hobby to pursue my job or hobby. I feel like my whole life experience should be invested in ceasing this burning hunger. But that suggests a success. What then? If it is even possible to identify and pursue some goal, and that is life, then what is left after success? Why not directly pursue that "after success" experience directly?
Maybe this is impossible. Maybe it is some kind of decadence which has me think in this way. I suspect this to be true. If I were too busy subsisting I would have no time for art.
Subsistence is an interesting pursuit. It has no end, or rather it ends with decadence. It is something that, if fulfilling, could be pursued until death without any need for concern about "after", or "completion" or "success" etc...
I don't know. I think that subsistence may not be satisfying. I think many of my pursuits involve non-subsistence activities. I still think that in happiness, whatever that is, I would pursue
certain other things beyond myself and beyond my own subsistence.
Teaching, directing, organizing, inspiring. These are things without end. I do like these things, but I want to do them on my own terms, so that I can pursue these things within the framework of my own inspiration.
So I suppose I know some of what I should be wishing for. I suppose I should also wish for the inspiration and courage to see and chase after the opportunities that may be presented to me.
So ... that is another two items to wish for ... I wonder if my chalk will work.
Ok. I decided that I was bored of a game and it crashed ... whoa.
(Being free is evil)
I am evil. That is, I support evil and I am the support of evil, through my inaction.
When I act, I act towards freedom. If I support universal freedom it is only by accident or in fear of losing my own freedoms one day. I only directly support my own personal freedoms, and my own personal freedoms spilling over into others' freedom is just accidental altruism.
This notion of being both free and evil began with a YouTube video interpretation of "The trolley problem". The original was a thought experiment where you are on a train that is out of control. Tied to your track are five people. You can flip a switch to change tracks and instead kill one person on that track.
The youtube video decided to put a baby on one of the tracks. The idea is much the same. There is also the fat man problem, which to me is much more interesting.
I have some thoughts about both of these thought experiments that seem to go far beyond the discussions I've heard so far. That aside, taking the "one baby or one adult" thought experiment out of any context I would always choose the adult.
Time has passed, and a more recent video had me think about abortion. Touchy subject. But this ties right back into the previous thought experiment.
At first, I would say that the freedom of the mother is important. But I learned another perspective. The abortion is a killing. I can really honestly understand this perspective.
I can also still support it, even if it were murder. I'm ok with that.
I'm ok with anyone doing anything that they please, so long as it doesn't impact my own personal freedoms to do whatever it is that I want.
Seriously, I don't care if a woman has an abortion, just so long as it's not on my hot breakfast cereal. It can still be murder, and that's fine!
This was just some rambling which could have been an interesting video, but I couldn't quite get my thoughts down. I wanted a tone which would reveal how the apathy in the speaker (as played by me) is pervasive in our society and allows abuse with the turning of a blind eye.