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(on Wikipedia)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4154664/
https://www.marvel.com/movies/captain-marvel

Something about alien technology being invented on Earth for some reason, and when an engine is shot it somehow makes a SuPerHERo, and something about the tesseract which I think was the invention but isn’t it a power stone?

It’s awesome. It must be awesome, because anyone who doesn’t think it’s awesome hates women. So I’m told. No really, all the movie people and reviewers and media all say that. Well ahead of time. As if they knew it wouldn’t be a good movie ahead of time and wanted an excuse for all the “troll reviews”.

• aka Captainelle Marvelette, the SuPerHERo flim.

The real meowro

• Captain Marvel: An Unbridled Meh

  • MauLer

• Everything Wrong With CinemaSins: Captain Marvel in 18 Minutes or Less

  • by Th3Birdman

–

• 2019-03-12

2019-03-12 ∞

As usual, the times are pretty rough.

• 1:15 — I see the assholes who murde own Stan Lee’s image are getting into the sellout game balls-deep.
• 2:00 — This ought to start right off from where we last saw the previous movie. It’s rather confusing already, but I expect that all movies have to somewhat stand alone, and I don’t know that this franchise is above that need.

• 3:15 — How about some background as to why she fights to relieve stress? Why is she any good? Why is he? How do they know one another?

  • 5:00 — Okay, some reasonable background which I would have preferred to have beforehand.
• 7:15 — Awesome, a manipulative dictatorial artificial intelligence.
• 10:45 — Wait. If they needed the cover of bombing to slip in, then how can they expect to slip out again? Bomb a second time and hope a takeoff isn’t noticed?
• 21:00 — Were they trying humor? What the hell, that didn’t work.
• 23:00 — Come on. Fuck off. The other guy also needed to escape.

• 23:45 — Blockbuster

  • She landed in the past?
• 24:30 — I could probably ID everything on those shelves, but .. why?
• 25:30 — RadioShack

• 26:15 — Game Boy

  • .. and so now she’s a technology supergenius or some shit? Also, did the cop not do anything when she broke into the RadioShack?
  • 26:30 .. and now we’re to believe that we have some super communications technology that she can build out of all that? Come on, this was a 1980s science fiction children’s movie thing.
• 28:15 — Oh, he did actually do something about it.
• 31:00 — I would have thought they’d have little sirens or something.
• 31:15 — Oh fuck off dead Stan Lee.
• 35:45 — AltaVista
• 36:15 — Well that was a casual misandry moment, and might have been put in the movie in response to the nontroversy surrounding her grim expressions in the trailer.
• 37:45 — Well what the fuck. Checking out dead alien junk is not a good tone for the movie.
• 38:00 — Brad Pitt
• 39:45 — How did agent Fury get there so fast?
• 45:00 — Pager
• 53:30 — How did the bad guy survive a direct blast to the chest?
• 56:45 — Should Fury be laughing at the mention of his boss or should perhaps he come to realize his boss is dead?
• 59:00 — Are they going to continue the plot of the previous movie? What the fuck is this whole movie for?

• 1:01:45 —

  • Amelia Earhart
  • Janis Joplin
• 1:03:45 — Jazz hands
• 1:07:45 — According to the play bar, there wasn’t nearly this long of a recording in the black box.
• 1:11:45 — So what part of that was the black box? What part was she remembering? What part was the movie showing more than both?
• 1:15:15 — This whole nonsense makes no sense.. the bad guy can remain the bad guy for all she knows.
• 1:16:45 — The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – (1990 show)
• 1:18:00 — So her suit can change now? Handy.
• 1:22:00 — So they magically have antigravity too?
• 1:22:15 — So she magically has decloaking whatever access detection thing and stuff? I don’t follow any of this..
• 1:28:45 — Hannibal Lecter
• 1:30:45 — Yeah, yeah, and so it’s an “only human” wink wink wink women wink wink moment.
• 1:31:15 — Oh fuck off Harry Potter.
• 1:34:30 — Look. That’s a fucking inexcusable Deus Ex Machina-cat. Learn to write.
• 1:35:00 — Firstly, what’s with this attempt at humor? Second, shouldn’t her blasts disintegrate things?
• 1:39:00 — Since it’s been established that a younger and in-practice pilot with a vastly superior ship got shot down, clearly this modified tub would be too. Roll credits.
• 1:40:00 — What’s with her fucking hair now?
• 1:42:15 — Oh fuck off. Handy bullshit.
• 1:44:00 — I don’t understand any of that. Why did she hang out there?
• 1:46:30 — So that ship is intact even thought it crashed. So she has a superpower to fix it and send it on its way.

• 1:48:45 — Please Mr. Postman – (1961 song), by The Marvelettes

  • Oh god, I knew I had something like this in mind..