Random people go on a merry adventure looking for Luke.
DO NOT WATCH Not just because it takes a steaming dump overtop of the already steaming dumpyness of the prequils, but because it's badly written and unresolved. Go and watch The Matrix 2 instead. That piece of shit somehow has less issues.
- Properly titled Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Followed by Rogue One - (2015 movie)
Times are estimated.
- 2:00 -- Ugh, it's already trying to create a different tone.
- 2:45 -- Roller ball droid.
- 6:00 -- Obvious non-clone in a storm trooper suit is obvious.
- 7:00 -- Oh the old putting the map with the droid.
- 8:00 -- Let me get this straight. There is suddenly a vastly more powerful force user than a grand master Sith lord?
- 16:00 -- So this is the replacement for R2-D2?
- 22:00 -- Ok, this is fucking stupid. "Yeah, yeah, did you see that?!" .. sigh, childish.
- Also, how in the fuck is a tie-fighter doing that much damage to starship turrets?
- 23:00 -- I would have tracked him or some such, to have him lead them to his droid and the map.
- And seriously.. what's all this about a fucking map?
- 27:00 -- If he's a clone, wouldn't he be recognizable? I guess they don't take their helmets off, but if killed in battle their stuff would be salvaged.
- 27:30 -- Oh, a girl in trouble. I had better save her, because girls can't defend themselves.
- 32:00 -- Yep, that one's garbage.
- 35:30 -- "Wooh!" .. oh fucking grow up.
- It's space-worthy too?
- Oh, it's not.
- 39:00 -- Tactically-positioned shirt hides what must be a fine ass.
- 40:45 -- And just why in the fuck can't she be the pilot?!
- 47:00 -- Fin is eaten. Period. Everyone else was eaten. There is nothing establishing even the slightest chance for escape.
- 48:00 -- Why the fuck does his blaster look like a crossbow?
- Die, Chewy, die!
- Wait a second, shooting door controls is supposed to close doors.
- 49:10 -- How does he know about the Millennium Falcon. Also, why would Han be using his proper name if he's a known resistance fighter?
- 50:00 -- Discount Voldemort.
- 59:10 -- Obvious struggle leading the bad guy to become a good guy is obvious.
- 1:04:00 -- I was wondering if the force was strong with her. And also if she's Han's son or Leia's daughter or some such thing.
- 1:05:00 -- A light sabre in the box?
- Called it.
- So... inanimate objects can now be imbued with the force? I wondered about Vader's helmet, but now a light sabre? Sigh.
- 1:07:00 -- Ugh, she does remind me of one of the blue people from that other movie with those not-natives and their unobtanium.
- 1:11:00 -- So.. this movie ups the ante, fabricating a multiplanetary destroyer rocket-beam thingy thing. An entire movie surrounded the creation and deployment of a specialized weapon, and here it's just some thing that appears out of nowhere and is nonchalantly used.
- 1:12:30 -- With all of this shoot first ask questions later, how do these bad guys expect to find anything or anyone?
- 1:14:00 -- What the fuck, he throws down his gun?
- Aaaand the unnecessary introduction/fabrication of a new weapon.
- 1:16:30 -- I guess the nonsense-chatter is for the American audience.
- 1:19:00 -- He loves her and must rescue her.
- 1:22:30 -- Oh god Leia is fucking ooooollldd..
- 1:30:00 -- Why would he keep his helmet off? Wait, why does he even wear a helmet?
- 1:31:30 -- Now it needs to be charged.
- 1:33:00 -- But that oscillator is 2 feet across. You'll never shoot a torpedo in there!
- 1:34:30 -- Oh god, her face is stretched thin and she has a permanent frown, like .. oh, I can't recall. 12 Monkeys?
- 1:37:00 -- It occurs to me how ridiculous it is to have anyone out ranking a force user. Perhaps if the commander dude was much older and had some air of expertise it would be possible to contrast his experience, seniority and competence with the bad guy's youth. The relationship between Vader and that one commander guy who told him to stop choking that one dude.. that worked well.
- 1:39:30 -- So. One person on one console can lower the shields for the most powerful weapon in history? With no alarms.
- And how can the shields being brought down be noticed by the resistance? Aren't they hella far away? If they're close enough to detect that, then they're close enough for the planet to detect them.
- The pace of this movie has sped up.. the entire tone is wrong.
- 1:43:00 -- Oh, it looks like a place for a light sabre battle between the good girl and the bad boy.
- 1:48:00 -- Oh, he's going to die isn't he?
- 1:49:00 -- Called it. This entire movie is predictable as all hell.
- 1:51:30 -- First off, wouldn't bad guy know about the light sabre because of its magical aura of magicalness? Second off, there is no fucking light sabre duel here. One of them is an untrained idiot with no established force powers, and the other can casually stop blaster fire. Just how in the fuck is there supposed to be any competition at all?!
- 1:53:00 -- One of them is an untrained idiot with.. well with some mysteriously-established but entirely untrained and therefore useless-but-somehow-not-useless force powers, and the other can.. oh fuck, why even bother?
- 1:54:00 -- Oh noes, random people are getting killed.
- I wonder if it'll be only the men who die.
- 1:57:00 -- Oh noes, snow.
- 1:57:30 -- Well good thing for him she doesn't know Force Jump. I guess this'll be important for a sequel.
- 1:59:00 -- It was not established nor is it even reasonable that he is alive. He better be dead.
- 2:00:00 -- What, he's alive?! Fuck right off.
- 2:00:30 -- Called it.
- 2:01:00 -- We must tell the others at once. Tell the others we'll have a sequel. Because fuck resolving anything.
- 2:03:30 -- C3-PO got his arm back? Also, what was the entire fucking deal with his arm anyway? Why even have that bullshit in here if it's neither interesting nor useful?
- 2:05:00 -- The first Jedi temple?
2:07:00 -- No, you keep it?
TO BE CONTINUED.