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(on Wikipedia)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082198/
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With the power of Nietzsche, a barbarian-turned-warrior seeks revenge on those who killed his people.

This movie ROCKS. Very thoughtful stuff.

• Trailer
• Inspired by Conan the Barbarian (comics)
• Inspired Conan the Barbarian – (2011 movie)

• See also Conan the Adventurer – (1999 show) (but please don’t)

1. Conan the Barbarian – (1982 movie)

2. Conan the Destroyer – (1984 movie)

• 2022-06-19
• ~2017-10-09
• ~2007-02-03

• Watched more than once beforehand.

~2017-10-09 ∞

The bad guys are smart! (mostly) I love it, but I’m biased because of this movie’s significant influence on my early self.

Being “from back in the day”, this movie is unashamedly-specific about its audience.

More recent sword-and-sorcery movies are watered-down to broaden their audience. Think The Lord of the Rings, which is a phenomenal movie in its own right, but its stark contrast has pushed movies like this one into a “classic” sub-genre. To fans of the recent movies, this one will seem crude.

For fans of the classic style, I’m confident in strongly recommending this. I think it stands out as good, and won’t need to be considered “good, but only because of its historical significance”.

• 0:15 — Boy is this quote out of place.

  That which does not kill us
  makes us stronger

  — Friedrich Nietzsche

• 0:15 — Narration. Also a major spoiler.

  Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis… and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of; and unto this, Conan, destined to bear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia… upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure.

• 4:15 — I don’t know why I wanted to type this out. Maybe it was some sort of definition of the character, like with great power comes great responsibility.

  Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Crom is your god. Crom, and he lives in the Earth. Once giants lived in the Earth, Conan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered, and the Earth shook. And fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters.

  But in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. And we who found it… are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. And the secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its discipline. For no one, no one in this world can you trust; not men, not women, not beasts. This you can trust.

• 7:45 — There’s a classic stock horse sound byte.
• 12:00 — Bro was using the force.

• 13:15 —

  The ashes were trampled into the Earth, and the blood became as snow. Who knows what they came for? Weapons of steel? Or murder? It was never known, for the leader rode to the south… while children went north with the Vanir. No one would ever know… that my lord’s people had lived at all.

  His was a tale of sorrow.

• 18:45 — This is so deserving of a sound byte.
• 21:45 — First that’s casual misandry. Second, I think they could have gotten away with a Wilhelm scream.
• 22:00 — Oh good, I’m no longer compelled to type out the narration. Or I suppose to copy out the subtitles if I could be assed enough to extract them.
• 22:45 — They’re watching like he’s a koala bear.
• 23:15 — So.. that was a rape scene.

• 24:15 — The quote for this movie is:

  Conan, what is best in life?

  To crush your enemies, see them driven before you… and to hear the lamentation of their women.

• 26:00 — Another excellent Arnold sound-byte.
• 36:15 — Valhalla is old Norse.
• 39:15 — Set is ancient Egyptian.
• 40:00 — Another awesome moment.

• 42:30 — Oh my, this is the earliest use of this phrase that I’ve heard.

  Do you want to live forever?

  — Valeria

• 48:45 —

  Do you want to live forever?

  — Valeria

• 50:00 — He is rich and powerful. You cannot resist his wiles.
• 55:30 — That was an amazing, and memorable, dagger-toss.
• 1:05:45 — Those are different flowers.
• 1:07:30 — A little nod to priestly sexuality and gay acceptance or something.
• 1:08:15 — Why does he say “That’s all you’ll ever need.”?
• 1:08:45 — From back when it was possible to assemble this many extras.
• 1:23:00 — This was also a memorable scene.
• 1:28:00 — That song opening reminds me of something else.
• 1:37:45 — As I recall, that little wall-spin-slash thing was also seen in Troy – (2004 movie).
• 1:39:00 — Another incredibly memorable scene.
• 1:42:30 — Sumerian
• 1:43:00 — His ally died, and he got a necklace upgrade.
• 1:44:15 — Where’d they get all that wood from?
• 1:44:30 — Blueberry

• 1:54:00 —

  Do you want to live forever?

  — Valeria

• 1:56:15 — That slow-motion is awful.

• 1:59:30 —

  For who now is your father if it is not me?

  — Thulsa Doom

• 2:04:30 — Well that wasn’t epic at all.

  • Oh now there’s a little fire up there.

• 2:06:00 — Why is he carrying her?

  • Because he can.
• 2:06:15 — The movie should have been ended a moment ago.

• 2:06:45 — TO BE CONTINUED

Bonus Materials ∞

Conan Unchained, the Making Of Conan ∞

Deleted Scenes ∞

• 0:00 — Them buying food on a stick.
• 1:00 — Some sort of sword fighty-thing done with shadows.
• 1:25 — The king being betrayed, fighting and ultimately dying.
• 2:50 — As above, with another angle and perhaps another take.

• 4:25 — The finishing moments of the king dying.

  • Wow he takes a lot of hits before finally dying.

• 5:30 — The dogs chasing the freshly-freed Conan. It seems like just a failed take, where the dog pulls him down with his clothing.

Special Effects ∞

A split-screen with the resurrection scene that has the wind and ghosts and such.

It’s not very well-presented. It has poor timing and stuff spliced into the post-effects one. It could have been done much better, but what can you expect for a minute and a half clip.

The Conan Archives ∞

Theatrical Trailers ∞

A sub-menu should have been made.

• 0:00 — One trailer

  • I’m pretty sure this is one whole thing. The music seemed seamless.

• 1:40 — The second trailer

Commentary ∞

Feature Commentary with Director John Milius and Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger

~2007-02-03 ∞

• 38:00 — How did he buy that food?
• 40:00 — Ok, so presumably they were thieves to get the money or the stuff. Or there was some time that passed and they adventured together somewhat to get on their feet.
• 42:15 — “Do you want to live forever?” was from gunnery sergeant Daniel Daly during the Battle of Belleau Wood in June 1918.
• 48:20 — The same phrase again.
• 1:17:20 — He’s pegged up through the wrists. Good.
• 1:53:50 — This movie is brought to you by the number 3, and the phrase “Do you want to live forever?”

• 1:59:15 — Conan, I am your father… =)