spiralofhope

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(on Wikipedia)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2527338/
https://www.starwars.com/films/star-wars-episode-ix-the-rise-of-skywalker

Supergirl supers superly.

Oh my god this is trash from every angle. Bad writing, bad acting, bad .. just bad everything everywhere always. It has no high points. Disney can suck a dick.

• AKA Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker

• Everything Wrong With Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker In Force Minutes

  • CinemaSins

• Rise of Skywalker: A Complete Cinematic Failure

  • by Vito

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• 0:45 --

• 1:15 -- Already this is fucking stupid.

• 3:45 -- So what's this about a mysterious broadcast? What is it? Can I hear it?

  • Where is he?
• 6:00 -- "The Final Order".. haha.
• 6:45 -- No really, who is she? Why not say?
• 7:45 -- Oh yeah, the ship is a fucking fembot.

• 8:15 -- Where are they? What are they doing? Who are those other guys?

  • In fact, a proper movie needs to be standalone.. so who the fuck is anyone?
• 9:00 -- Yeah, this was made for a Chinese audience.. lots of flashy shit.
• 10:00 -- How does he speak wookie?
• 11:15 -- What was that red thing she cut down? It just looked like some sort of bright red tubing.
• 12:00 -- Why don't the sith just have a thousand of those little balls to kill all the jedi?
• 12:45 -- How did that droid catch up?
• 13:45 -- No the fuck no Leia is not a master.
• 15:15 -- Why did they change token black guy's hair?
• 20:15 -- "Knights of Ren" .. "coos"(?)
• 22:15 -- Lampshading by saying how unlikely it is is fucking insulting. Learn to write.
• 25:15 -- God this movie is rushed.
• 26:00 -- Oh, will they be shitting on this character too? Or is he black enough to be spared?
• 27:00 -- How do they know where "Lurch canyon" is?
• 28:00 -- Why are there things with wheels?
• 28:45 -- Why would C3PO be negative like that?
• 29:30 -- Oh, that's why it has a wheel. Such bad writing.
• 30:30 -- Fucking roll credits on this awful movie.
• 31:15 -- Why isn't all that sand just coming down with them?
• 35:00 -- Oh fuck off, magical healing powers now too? Well isn't she just awesome in every way possible.
• 36:15 -- Uh, the ship is an obvious landmark.. so why didn't the Knights find it?
• 39:30 -- It has shields.
• 40:00 -- Oh for fuck's sake, she has super-telekinesis now? Can we fucking well establish anything ever about this character?
• 41:30 -- Well that's how they randomly offed yet another character.
• 43:00 -- So how did Chewie live? Maybe the audience could have been let in on that.
• 45:45 -- Treated him badly? Oh fuck off.
• 48:00 -- "I think you're okay.." ? What the hell. This is just bullshit to magically make them all friends for some reason.
• 48:45 -- In a seedy place like that, couldn't someone else recognize them?
• 50:00 -- Oh, so this is how they kill C3-PO.
• 50:15 -- A facility like that would be able to back him up.
• 50:45 -- So the little dude understands them.
• 54:30 -- How the fuck can she tell Chewy's alive? If she can tell from there, why couldn't she tell that he was on another transport ship earlier?
• 56:00 -- There is absolutely no fucking way they could stealth into the ship that way. What the hell bullshit writing is this?
• 1:01:15 -- Why not shoot them right there?
• 1:03:45 -- Why couldn't Kylo tell that he's the spy?
• 1:09:00 -- Good thing they were on that side of the crash?
• 1:11:30 -- But the superpowers maybe.. maybe the superpowers show that the force is real.
• 1:12:15 -- Oh that's right, a girl who grew up on a desert planet knows how to fucking pilot a skimmer in the roughest of rough waters.
• 1:14:45 -- So let's assume she's roughly in the right place.. is she using the force to pinpoint things?
• 1:19:00 -- So how did they get over there? What does token think shouting is going to do? Distract Rey so she'll die?
• 1:19:30 -- What the fuck does he think he's going to do? Bad guy can stop lasers in mid air with his hand. Did token even bring a gun?
• 1:22:00 -- So Leia is a force wizard of some sort, and that was another new power pulled out just for that moment.
• 1:22:45 -- Good thing we established her magical healing powers. Yep, super healing for some reason.
• 1:23:45 -- Why did Leia die?
• 1:28:00 -- Okay so they have another another another death star.
• 1:29:00 -- Why is he acting general and not some random pink haired woman?
• 1:29:30 -- Who is that guy again? What did he do again? Nothing? Nothing.
• 1:32:00 -- Trained you? What the fuck? How could Leia train anyone, letalone mrs. perfectly perfect?
• 1:33:00 -- Leia never had a saber. She was never trained. What the fuck is all of this?!
• 1:33:15 -- Oh my god that's awful.. those graphics.. that uncanny face.
• 1:34:30 -- So ghosts are superpowered now? So.. can he come alone and be all superpowered to help?
• 1:37:30 -- The Falcon isn't flightworthy..
• 1:39:00 -- What the fuck. How are they there so fast?
• 1:40:30 -- They can use smaller arms which they themselves are immune to. Everyday fighter fire is useless against their shields.
• 1:40:45 -- Why doesn't she have the well-placed cloth covering her crotch?
• 1:42:00 -- Oh go fuck yourself and your feelings. Why not give this character a brain?

• 1:42:30 --

  • How are they landing? Why does nothing have shields any more? Is this some parallel universe where this technology no longer exists?
  • How can speeders be jammed? That makes no sense; that hasn't been established.
• 1:45:30 -- Why reveal any of that to her?
• 1:46:15 -- How did the ball bounce up that little ledge?
• 1:50:30 -- There is absolutely nothing they could do to him; he's rediculously powerful.
• 1:53:30 -- Oh no.. that guy we should care about.
• 1:58:00 -- CAN WE ESTABLISH ANYTHING IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE?!
• 2:00:45 -- Is there gravity somehow?
• 2:02:30 -- Oh my god he lived. Oh my god is he going to fucking heal her?
• 2:04:00 -- Fuck off.
• 2:05:15 -- What? What does he have to do with Leia again? Why would she disappear? Fuck off.
• 2:07:30 -- Yay all those characters we know nothing about.
• 2:08:00 -- What? What is that? Why should I care?
• 2:09:00 -- Are they going to go off on their own side-adventure? Maybe we can have a 12-part series just with them for some reason.
• 2:11:30 -- Where'd that come from?

• 2:12:15 -- No you're not. You're not a Skywalker. We established this.

Holy fuckballs this is bad. Most especially this music is awful.