Crusade - (1999 show) Entertainment > Television >
You don't want to know about this until you already know about this. Move along..
NO. JUST NO. ∞ This series is complete shit and should not be watched!
If you do watch this, you masochistic bastard, then..
IMPORTANT - Watch according to Babylon 5 - (1994 TV show) Babylon 5 viewing order until the mention of Crusade. Choose to not watch Crusade.
Crusade its proper order, probably. My notes may or may not be in any order, as my sanity was in question at the time. Regret having watched Crusade.
Remember that I warned you.
Viewing order ∞ http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/countries/master/eplist.html
This ordering of Crusade, which JMS specified, ignores the uniform change in favour of maintaining continuity of storyline:
Racing the Night The Needs of Earth The Memory of War The Long Road Visitors from Down the Street The Well of Forever Each Night I Dream of Home Patterns of the Soul The Path of Sorrows Ruling from the Tomb The Rules of the Game War Zone Appearances and Other Deceits Overall impression ∞ s01e01 - 1999-06-09 - War Zone ∞
Spoiler 0:00:20 -- I don't see why this would be recommended to come after The Rules of the Game. 0:02:30 -- I guess we wouldn't know that he's a psi and could just melt some brains or something. 0:05:00 -- Wait, how many cruisers? Don't they have a complement of like a thousand people each? 0:10:00 -- Yep, doomsday cults. People are stupid and the religious are crazy. 0:11:00 -- Search dead worlds for a cure that would save lives. That doesn't make much sense. 0:13:45 -- A rich and powerful archaeology unit wouldn't have a geosynchronous satellite for communication? 0:19:20 -- Except it wasn't built by humans. It's a joint Minbari effort, using Humand and Minbari technologies, and probably a little Vorlon technology too. 0:23:10 -- They were pursuing a Drak warship? That looked like a little thing to me. Especially the view of their crash on the ground with them standing in the wreckage. 0:27:10 -- So they have atmosphere-capable fighters. Those would have come in handy time and time again. 0:28:50 -- They have no way to detect the virus. They have no way to filter out the virus with "breathers". 0:29:40 -- Oh god, the terribad music. 0:31:00 -- They walk past bodies, with weapons capable of taking down a ship. Those wouldn't be handy at all. 0:32:28 -- Did they just re-use the same shot, but in slow-motion? 0:32:40 -- A huge firefight, and they're showing it in silence, with this terribad music? What the fuck? 0:33:35 -- They found the Drak leader. Aren't they capable of suicide in cases like these? 0:35:15 -- Don't they have some sort of super-AI translation thing, which they can teach? 0:36:10 -- When Earth is gone, the huge number of off-world Humans will still have one another. 0:37:00 -- They tracked the .. source code? s01e08 - 1999-07-28 - Appearances and Other Deceits ∞
Spoiler I don't see why this would be recommended to be after The Rules of the Game. Maybe it's because of the uniforms. 0:02:00 -- It's nice to see that earlier actor again. 0:03:20 -- The uniforms would be changed. 0:06:00 -- They wouldn't have ships for purposes like this? Or could they perhaps call home to get Earth to collect? 0:10:00 -- Wardrobe has done everything in its powers to hide her nice breasts. 0:13:50 -- Actually, many Human cultures have had and still have a separate language for speaking and writing. Not totally different, but very strongly diverged. English is rather unique in having reinvented its written language to have been nearer its spoken form. It's since diverged a bit, and continues to diverge rather strongly. 0:14:30 -- Why do they have to have a gay fashion guy? 0:15:30 -- Hey, I recognize that actor. 0:16:55 -- Oh god, terribad music! 0:17:30 -- He's been shot, and a medic won't help him. He was shot in the fucking neck. In. The. Fucking. Neck. That's not a wound. That's not an owie that a medic can help with. 0:20:50 -- So much of this series is so braindead that it's insultingly-predictable. I've avoided making comments about its braindead-ness by making predictions, but the braindead zero-brainwave shot-in-the-neck-guy will be the one taken over by the alien presence, solving everything. So braindead. 0:21:25 -- No, he didn't step in the line of fire. He turned to duck into the tube-car-mobile-thing. Instead of shooting the only guy with a gun. 0:22:30 -- Why do they need to meet in person? Why? Why? 0:23:40 -- If it's sealed, it's so handy they can h ear oneanother. 0:28:00 -- Isn't the ship a mile and a half long? Aren't they showing two parts on very distant parts of the ship? How is it t.. oh fuck it. 0:32:00 -- The suit doesn't need to be sealed to prevent skin contact. 0:34:30 -- Where'd all the newspapers come from? Bwahahahahahaha. 0:37:10 -- Oh good, that thing I expected right from the beginning is being done right at the end. I guess our heroes stopped an apocalypse of a sort. 0:38:10 -- "Wear it with "[[en:Gay pride pride], captain." amirite? s01e09 - 1999-08-04 - Racing the Night ∞
Spoiler They could have made a deal. As in disarm that planet, and have a multiracial military presence and researchers permanently stationed there who maintain the machines, the stasis of those people and continue advanced research on all those things hinted at. A massive Interstellar Alliance project, ensuring technological advancements and greater cooperation. Unexplained technomancer. Unexplained talking box. s01e11 - 1999-08-18 - The Needs of Earth ∞
Spoiler Here's the horrible sex that idiocy. Help me out here. A race can compile information like that? Uh. Ok. Wait, what the fuck? People with gloves aren't expected to use that pad? Uh, additional what the fuck.. they can't go find a pointy rock to use? Because.. of keying-speed?! A poisoned atmosphere like what they described is more than coughing. It's immediate death. She also should have been able to hold her breath for longer. Noreena used to be a slave. 0:16:00 -- Oh, plywood table. 0:18:00 -- Did he just slot in the crystal with his data plus the "leftover" data? 0:19:20 -- Where did they put this spare suit? 0:20:20 -- No problem? Uh, didn't he get beat up? Oh, he has a little ketchup on his cheek. 0:22:00 -- I looked away when he was recaptured. Did he have the data crystals on him? 0:22:40 -- They've been made. Wouldn't they be identified as human? They have to give up, don't they? 0:25:45 -- Why is the linguist being all uppity. He's a fucking civilian advisor/employee. 0:29:30 -- "[[en:Don%27t Copy That Floppy Don't Copy That Floppy]! 0:30:00 -- Oh, a separate shuttle, programmed to go astray and get lost in hyperspace? 0:33:00 -- "[[en:Book burning Book burning]. What strikes me as odd is why he wouldn't freely donate the material into the public domain, by making and distributing as many copies as possible. Even random distribution would have worked out well enough. 0:37:00 -- Christians are fucking sick. Also, fucking exposition. Suddenly: Telepath. s01e10 - 1999-08-11 - The Memory of War ∞
Spoiler 0:00:30 -- I'd start tearing apart anything which was capable of breaking orbit. 0:01:00 -- The "Drak war" was just one engagement. 0:04:20 -- Techno-mage fashion rocks! 0:16:45 -- If only she had some sort of long-range communication, and access to flying vehicles. 0:17:00 -- Data crystals are suddenly universal? 0:18:45 -- Yep, translation is easy. 0:20:00 -- Well those are fast-moving moons. Wait a second. If the atmosphere is thin, they'd need breathers. If the ozone is thin and there are two suns and extra radiation, they're dead. 0:25:00 -- If only they had some sort of flying machine which could take them to where there's always daylight. How do nanites need a transmitter? 0:31:40 -- Oh god, this music needs to die a horrible death. 0:33:00 -- Isn't he all magical and stuff? How could a thrown rubber-stick hurt him? 0:39:00 -- She brought a death nanobot-virus on board? Well, if only they had a technomage to be able to provide additional instructions. Oh, the mystery-box says to not trust him. 0:00:45 -- "[[en:Godzilla Godzilla]. 0:01:30 -- That'a a huge court. Too bad it's cgi. They could have used an actual place. This is supposed to be a huge ship. s01e02 - 1999-06-16 - The Long Road ∞
Spoiler 0:02:20 -- Bad-graphics dragon! 0:25:40 -- Why the fuck not shoot the stranger that came in and threatened them? What about after being attacked? 0:35:40 -- Uh, a destroyer-class ship does indeed have the ability to shell a planetary target. But I suppose that's knowledge from Babylon 5. 0:38:00 -- Oh my god, the morality-tale. Fucking fuckity fuck fuck. s01e12 - 1999-08-25 - Visitors from Down the Street ∞
Spoiler " Eridani sector, 2267-05-13, 2:37 EST. Wait, EST? Seriously.. 0:01:00 -- 1,500 clicks? Uh. Things in space don't generally find each other randomly. Wait, why are they in ordinary space? 0:02:20 -- Holy fuck, that's a huge space to pressurize. I didn't really think about this issue with Babylon 5. 0:02:50 -- They're British?! Fucking British aliens. They speak English too. Handy, that. 0:05:40 -- A new Psi Core? 0:06:25 -- Now they speak another language. 0:10:20 -- Oh, the English thing is odd. 0:17:25 -- So how are they sending probes so far, and returning images from places they can't visit with people? Without detection? 0:32:30 -- A shit joke? Really? Is this entire episode fucking fluff? s01e03 - 1999-06-23 - The Well of Forever ∞
Spoiler 0:01:10 -- Telepaths were integrated back into society. 0:01:30 -- That's.. the previously-thought-dead, then actually-dead former-Free-Mars agent turned counter-agent robot guy. 0:10:00 -- Oh! I had one of those stone thingies, but in mottled-white. 0:17:00 -- Fucking hell, a fucking-joke. 0:40:00 -- Seriously, is there going to be a wrap-up conversation at the end of every episode? s01e13 - 1999-09-01 - Each Night I Dream of Home ∞
Spoiler 0:12:00 -- Lockley is mysteriously on a star fury in hyperspace. Is she not already being searched for? 0:14:00 -- There is no fucking way they could stop anywhere in the Sol system without being seen, and no way to approach earth without being stopped and boarded or shot down. Special guest: Stephen Franklin. Seriously, how would they maintain an alternate atmosphere which they could then burn to clear the plague out? Did they have this facility made for this prototype destroyer? I guess so.. 0:24:30 -- Humanity is well-settled on multiple colonies and stations. It won't go extinct, although it's power base would be obliterated. 0:30:30 -- Ok. So Earth has nothing around? Mars? Anywhere? Where are they, anyway? s01e05 - 1999-07-07 - Patterns of the Soul ∞
(No notes were taken. Maybe I blacked out. Did I even have to wrap this in a spoiler block?) s01e04 - 1999-06-30 - The Path of Sorrows ∞
Spoiler 0:05:50 -- Don't eat or drink anything? So. Don't sniff, swallow your own saliva or blink. 0:21:30 -- If only they had some sort of remote speaking technology. Like the one they had demonstrated a little earlier. s01e06 - 1999-07-14 - Ruling From the Tomb ∞
Spoiler 0:01:20 -- A little awkward for her to give her name now. 0:28:00 -- Oh god, the " Porn groove porno-" Elevator music muzak. 0:29:20 -- The angry black woman thing is really fucking annoying. 0:30:35 -- So that's a remote trigger then? Wouldn't basic scanners pick up its transmission? 0:36:30 -- " Joan of Arc. The religious are crazy. People who hear voices in their head who claim the voices to come from god or the messengers of god are crazy. 0:39:30 -- Gideon is an atheist. Sigh, more explanation at the end. s01e07 - 1999-07-21 - The Rules of the Game ∞
Spoiler 0:00:15 -- Babylon 5 has lasted ten years. 0:02:20 -- What's the problem? Fucking negotiate with the fucking Lorca. Fucking fuck. It's not hard to have negotiating teams sent out to every corner of the universe, and have a very good path paved for various research ships and such. This is such complete bullshit. 0:11:30 -- Aah, the mandatory sex. Also in Chinese. 0:14:30 -- Yep, the religious are crazy. 0:17:00 -- Political and economic pressure? They wouldn't care, they don't do trade with others. 0:23:30 -- Uh, no nothing. How convenient for this episode. Also, there would be no place on the station like this, which isn't welded completely off. 0:25:10 -- Oh, the fucking terribad music. 0:27:55 -- Oh, those military medics and their kung-fu. Making big badasses drop their guns, fall down and run away. 0:29:50 -- Take their super-advanced crystal palm thingemies. 0:32:15 -- And the guy who calls other guys to do his dirty work calls other guys to do his dirty work and the dirty work is done by other guys. What was the smart guy's plan again? 0:32:40 -- So the other people kill them, then find the toys and dump them in hyperspace. 0:34:20 -- Yep, here's more sex. And porn groove. Sexy showers don't work. Sheridan and Gideon presumably fuck. 0:36:00 -- I'm surprised they didn't toss in another presumed-fuck scene. 0:38:00 -- Yep, the religious are insane. I fucking warned you..